Some people apparently are desperate for attention. Thank God I am not one of them.  One should note that there are more than a few gym members whose sole purpose of joining the place is to find people who will hopefully give them some attention.  When I’m on the clock training, consider yourself locked in for the hour as the spotlight is going to be all yours.  However, when I’m trying to workout, the last thing I want to do is talk to people.  I’m not a complete dick – I will be more than happy to say, “What’s up?” but anything more than exchanging pleasantries in the gym is not my cup of tea.  In fact, what part of my non-matching gym outfit combined with the flowing locks out of the back of my baseball hat gives off the vibe, ‘this guy really looks like he want to chat’ ?  Just the other day I made the mistake of wearing a knee brace while working out, even though I knew full well it wasn’t going to do shit for me.  Little did I know that neoprene sleeve around my appendage would attract people like a spritz of Dolce & Gabbana does for the girl who is looking for some dick.  In the midst of my sets and reps, I notice some squirrely looking fellow making his way towards me.  “God no”, I thought to myself. I forgot my cell phone in the car so the fake-phone convo was out of the question.  I was stuck between a bench and a hard place with nowhere to run.  “How’s that knee treatin’ ya?”  Fucking fantastic until you wanted to talk to me, I thought in my head.  Before I could even complete a sentence to explain to Mr. Nosy the need for prophylactic bracing at this point in my life, he begins to tell me about his own trials and tribulations when it comes to the knee.  Really? I thought.  I was not in the mood to converse with this asshole. I just nodded, as if I gave a fuck and proceeded to let him ramble.  As Mr. personality gave me an unprompted biography dating back to his JV football days and surgical history, I carried on about my routine as if he wasn’t really there.  Amazingly enough, if you say one choice word over and over again you can get away with “talking” to someone without actually talking at all.  My choice word for these situations is Really?  People, such as this jerk off with the balky knee, tend to go on forever if you let them.  So after nearly 10 minutes of this incessant yapping, along with a couple dozen Really‘s thrown in every now and then, I had enough.  When I told Mr. talker I was wrapping up (thanks to his presence), he comes at me with a “Hey it was great talking to you!”  All I thought as I walked away was Really?

I’m not quite 40, but having trained several hundred 40-something year olds, I am more than qualified to talk shit about this age bracket.  First, I should clear the air and state that not all people in their 40’s are fat.  In fact, some people in their 40’s look better than people 10 to 20 years younger.  All I’m saying is that the odds of you doing something like losing the spare tire around your waist in your 40’s is as likely to happen as your dream job magically falling into your lap.  There are many reasons why you are fucked at 40, unless of course you are already in great shape and have expendable income – then howdy-doo and enjoy life.  But, if you are in the majority, there is a good chance that the last few decades of life have taken a toll on that oddly shaped flesh suit you call your body.  How does one attain this undesirable physique?  Over the last ten years I have compiled several reasons why many people of this age have a difficult time seeing their genitalia when looking down.

–You have Kids

Not only are they the biggest money suck in your life, requiring you to work your ass off to keep them off of the pole, but they will sap the little energy you have when you walk in the door after your shitty day.  Good luck trying to escape to the gym when junior wants you to read him a story.

–You have been going through the motions of your job for the last 10 years and fear there is no way out

There are only a rarified few that get pensions these days, the rest of us suckers hold onto a shit job with no prospects of advancement (unless you call a one percent raise a milestone, in which case you have issues).  Since your job saps the life right out of you, there goes your energy to drive to the gym on the way home from work.

–You have been eating like shit for a majority of your life

It is fuckin’ crazy when I think about the number of well-educated and well-to-do clients in their 40’s that didn’t realize eating a number #2 super-sized for lunch everyday was a bad idea.  As I have told many clients, it’s difficult to undo 20-plus years of bad habits in a few short months.

-You don’t really give a fuck about meeting Mr. or Mrs. right

It seems the most prominent cocksmith’s of the day and most attractive cougars keep up their figure no matter what the costs.  Unfortunately, many of their married and single counterparts have thrown in the towel when it comes to either finding new ass or at least making their partner desire them.

–You subscribe to the halfway done theory, thus you don’t give a fuck

With most literature stating absolutely nothing goes well after your 70’s, many 40-year olds feel they have put in their time and they are done.  Bad choice my friends, as life is a cruel and winding journey that will fuck you again and again if you let it.  As one very successful client put it to me the first day we started training, “I want you to train me like I’m 25, not 45.  There isn’t anything that I can’t or won’t do.”  I was happy to oblige, and hopefully more of you 40-something year olds get the message – take a break from your tivo and get off your ass because 50 is going to be even more unforgiving.

There are countless reasons why your personal trainer sucks.  Not to be mistaken with my diatribe a few months back on the reasons why you should fire your personal trainer; this is why they not only suck at training but probably suck at life as well.

10.  They never admit they are wrong, even when you get hurt doing their “perfect” routine

It’s one thing to strain a hammy or pull an oblique doing some medicine ball twists, but shredding an ACL thanks to three minutes of continuous plyometric side jumps is unacceptable.  If you get anything worse than some type of “itis” from working out with a trainer,  your trainer sucks.

9.  Their first, second, AND third careers are long gone, and now they decided to become a personal trainer 

Before you get all up in arms, I understand we don’t all pick winners our first career out of the gate.  It’s okay to burnout in one field and find yourself doing something totally different years later.  What’s not okay is when your resume reads like a mexican laborer, who just gives you that smile and says yes, no matter what you need them to do around your house.  They may consider themselves a jack of all trades, but chances are they aren’t really good at anything.  If your personal trainer was a former real estate agent, car salesman, TSA agent, there is a very high likelihood they suck.

8.  They try to sell you vitamins that, as luck would have it, you cannot get anywhere else

Who hasn’t fallen for a pyramid scheme at one point in their lives?  It’s just ten times worse when the person you are paying to take them through a workout tries to make even more money off you. They suck, and so do you if you fall for it.

7.  They ask you what you want to work on the day you see them

Any trainer that drops this line is the definition of lazy.  That means they think so little of you that they haven’t prepared a fucking thing for you, and you are better off just forking over the $1.99 for an app that tells you what to do in the gym. If this ever happens, tell them to suck it.

6.  Your trainer is late/makes you wait for your scheduled appointment

This is not a difficult concept yet it seems to plague most trainers.  If someone is paying me, the last thing I’m going to do is make them wait.  If some asshole client runs late, potentially causing the trainer’s entire day to be off, a good trainer will keep on track by not giving in to this fuck who just had to be late.  And if your trainer him/herself is late for your appointment, they suck. (unless of course they are getting a hummer in the parking lot)

5.  They try to drag your ass to church

Now I’ve had some clients unsuccessfully try to bring me to the house of the holy, but when a trainer tries this move it’s just fucking weird.  Most people have enough shitty things they need to worry about in life, the last thing they need to do is feel judged by a higher power (via their personal trainer). This whole scenario sucks.

4.  You are bored during your training session

If your trainer can’t entertain you for the hour you are paying them, they not only suck at training but they blow at life.

3.  They only subscribe to one training method and refuse to incorporate other styles to their routines

You can spot these trainers from a mile away.  They exhibit cult-like behavior you would see with your average scientologist.  Any asshole can follow some program someone else put together, but it takes a person with an IQ to develop their own strategy on how to train people.  This should be a red flag and most likely means your trainer is too dumb to figure out shit on their own. And, they suck.

2.  You refer them clients and they don’t show any appreciation

Since this is how most trainers grow their business, you would think it’s a given they would be grateful for anyone you throw their way.  Sadly, I’ve seen trainers expect people to refer other clients and not even throw that person a bone (not what you are thinking, actually in the form of a free session or two to show their thanks). If you don’t get a “Thanks”, you’ve got yourself a trainer that sucks.

1.  They think they are better than who they really are

Someone once told me that the differences between a personal trainer and a landscaper or housekeeper is the pay and the questionable citizenship.  Personal trainers who act as if they know more than a medical professional are the most dangerous of the bunch.  Because they educate themselves daily with the tremendous amount of questionable articles posted online about training and subscribe to Muscle & Fitness, they feel their shit doesn’t stink.  Remember, there is always going to be a younger, more ripped, and probably better looking trainer waiting in the wings eager to train you.  Pompous trainers beware, know you are expendable if your attitude isn’t on point. In other words, you suck!

Most gyms that cost more than $10 a month are equipped with locker rooms.  Some paranoid folk use what looks like a bike lock to discourage others from discovering what’s inside.  I cheap out and opt for the gym issued lock that probably doesn’t work or no lock at all. Right now, somewhere in the world, there are countless bottles of black market human growth hormone, syringes, porn, prescription meds that belong to someone else, and of course articles of clothing that have gone way to long without laundering behind these locked doors.  Just this past weekend I contributed to the strange contents you will find in a locker.  A friend of mine got me a nice sized baggie of maui waui which I stashed inside my gym bag.  On my way home I decided to stop by the gym.  As I strolled in the entrance, I barely noticed the sign next to the door which read Drug Free Zone.  After changing into my shorts I noticed the very potent and beautiful sight of that sack of sativa in the pocket of my gym bag.  A concerned individual would have taken the extra two and a half minutes to exit the gym and store this soon to be legal drug in their vehicle.  Not this guy.  I wasn’t looking to take more steps than necessary on this day.  I just tucked that baggie in a side pocket and closed the locker door using the questionable gym issued lock.  I then proceeded to power through my 60 minute workout, because I don’t really have the time for Crossfit.  Once I returned to the locker room, I couldn’t help but notice the lovely aroma that seemed to overpower the usual scent of pooh and body odor.  With one jerk off seeming to dry himself way too long present, I felt a little nervous about opening this locker and unleashing the full effect of this very potent strain on someone I didn’t know.  There was no time to spare as I was looking forward to getting home and enjoying what was inside that bag.  I swiftly made my move towards my locker and with one brisk shake of the leg, I expelled a silent but very potent gasser that no doubt took over that room.  As I grabbed my gym bag, I gave that awkward half smile to the half naked guy in that locker room and made my way home.  Stay tuned for other odd findings in the gym locker.

We have all seen these people. Maybe you were one of them before a surgery or two convinced you to learn about the right way to exercise.  Despite the growing number of employees in the gym milling about, waiting patiently for their next high protein snack, the number of gym patrons demonstrating shitty form seems to be out of control.  How one manages to fuck up exercising on a machine that I thought was idiot-proof with diagrams of the correct movement I’ll never know.  When I see a young buck all of sixteen attempting a deadlift with a rounded back that would make a camel jealous, I chalk it up to inexperience and know that at some point a herniated disc will be his cue to figure that shit out.  Now when I see an educated late 40-something year old swinging around on the pulldown station, desperately trying to pull that bar down to the back of their neck, I get confused.  How could someone who seems to be concerned about their health be so careless when it comes to the ever important spine and joints?  I absolutely understand the overweight, balding guy who has nothing going for him but the amount of weight he is able to lift.  But that hot soccer mom who is pushing 40 but desires that 22 year old ass should know that it’s best to have a little excess to grab on the backside rather than have a serious lumbar spine injury that would prevent some choice sexual positions down the road.  Would I dare tell them that their future holds a visit to an orthopedic doctor?  Fuck no, and neither should you. Like Randall said in the classic film Clerks, “I find it’s best to stay out of other people’s affairs.”

Seeing how the ever-so accurate punxsutawney phil saw his shadow, we are in the midst of another long winter.  For you unlucky ones who live in the northeast, that means your mornings are filled with snow shoveling and scraping ice off your windshield instead of sitting down and enjoying that cup of Joe.  What this furry little creature’s prediction does not mean is the green light to workout with that same hat that kept the snow from falling on your head.  I get it if you are a legit MMA fighter or boxer (not some jerk off who enjoys fighting & whose main source of income is from their highly coveted position at Steak and Shake).  Otherwise, there are very few instances where this type of fashion statement is acceptable.  Every guy wants to look cooler than he really is.  After all, you are talking to a guy that took pride in his bleached blonde tail that was almost long enough to wrap around my neck.  But just like I learned quickly that summer before beginning high school, that tail was going to do anything but get me laid.  When I see guys well into their 20’s or worse yet in their 30’s, trying to set themselves apart from other gym goer’s with their all black wool cap while knocking out a set of squats I wonder.  I wonder what the fuck the reason is behind wearing that hat while working out.  I’m not the only one who is perplexed when it comes to why they are wearing these hats indoors instead of on the slopes, turns out many ladies are.  Some quick polling revealed most chicks who see these guys in hats as tools.  The other response I got was that they must be undergoing cancer treatment in which case touché, there may a be a shot at some sympathy-sex if in fact you are bald/balding and wear one of these hats.

A few years back I started training a gal named Stephanie.  She didn’t start training with the usual slackers who sign up on January 1st, in fact she was one of the first clients I had that cashed in a Valentine’s Day gift.  Now before you think I was the asshole, let me explain.  Stephanie was very self conscious and by no means overweight.  She was your typical overworked accountant who just didn’t find time for the gym anymore.  Now her husband of a couple years, for whatever reason, decided to forgo the standard chocolate and flowers and got her a trainer.  This may not appear to be a dick-ish move but when you let your wife know she is lazy and should be doing more, don’t be surprised by the end result.  Stephanie had the charisma of a battered housewife.  She was shy, soft-spoken, and didn’t really engage in any conversation.  Being the professional that I was, I didn’t dare prod into her personal life.  I just did my due diligence three times a week for the next several weeks.  Then something magical happened.  I don’t know if it was the combination of split squats and walking lunges, or maybe the deadlifts and pull-ups, but Stephanie got her groove back.  One Wednesday night session Stephanie seemed a little happier and upbeat.  She was more talkative and was aggressively flirting.  I didn’t know if it was the aqua di gio I was wearing or perhaps my new snug fit work shirt, but whatever it was Stephanie was into it.  When she asked if I could walk her out to her car after our session to give me something I immediately knew where this was going.  This certainly wasn’t my first time at the rodeo.  But it was my first time with a woman whose husband’s subtle attempt at getting his wife back into shape most certainly failed.  As I got in the passenger side of her Dodge Durango, I thought to myself as she unzipped my pants, “I will never get my girl the gift of personal training for Valentine’s Day.”

Just when you thought the fatty holidays were behind you, think again!  With the Super Bowl taking place this weekend, people are looking forward to consuming excessive amounts of food, regardless of the teams taking the field.  I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m one of those people.  I could give a shit about either team playing but I do give quite a few shits about what foods wet my whistle on the best Sunday of the year.  Here’s a rundown of some of the greatest foods enjoyed on the Super Bowl.

10) Pizza-sure this wheel of cheese and grease is great anytime but for some reason even the shittiest pizza tastes better during the Super Bowl

9) Nachos-I’m not talking about those bullshit nachos that Kip made during Napoleon Dynamite, I’m referring to those individually dressed up chips that are nothing short of fantastic.  You know, the nachos that run you an extra few bucks in the restaurant.  Remember ladies, if your man opts for the cheap nachos and forgoes the deluxe version, you are in for a world of hurt.  

8) Guacamole-This may be an ingredient in quality nachos, but guess what fuckers, it’s fuckin’ great on it’s own!

7) Potato Skins-I would say pizza skins, like the ones I used to mow down when I worked at Pizzeria Uno as a youth, but something tells me they no longer exist.  Any hole in the wall bar should be equipped to fry up a delicious plate of loaded potato skins, complete with sour cream and bacon. 

6) Kobe beef sliders-Do I sound pretentious? Perhaps.  But if you never had Kobe beef Sliders, then you haven’t really lived.  

5) Burritos-If you are tired of my Mexican picks, too fuckin’ bad!  They make very fatty foods and never are concerned about calorie count when designing their tasty fare, which is why they are a big part of this list.  Burritos are one of the few foods that can weigh about 2 pounds but for some reason you can eat the entire thing (And definitely pay later)

4) Kettlecorn-Because you need some sweet to go with all that spicy shit

3) Pigs in a blanket-They may be a little small so feel free to enjoy a few dozen of these tasty treats at one time.  

2) Chili-In addition to all the other spicy foods that are bound to give you indigestion, gas, and a plethora of health issues, Chili is the perfect topper to this Sunday.  Not only will this give you those extra calories you are yearning for, but it is certain to leave a potent mark in anyone’s bathroom you are fortunate to visit that day.  

1) Wings-Before you ask, mild wings DO NOT count.  Spicy is the way to go, extra spicy if possible.  There is no better feeling than having to eat more just to cover for the burning tongue that just won’t seem to go away.  

So eat up America, and remember that Monday is right around the corner so you can yet again “start fresh” next week.  

For the past month, I have refrained from any unhealthy food.  I’ve been doing a cleanse where I eat nothing but greens, whole grains, and a shitload of fiber.  I’ve also been drinking nothing but water and green tea.  Although this has been an ongoing ritual for several years, I can’t tell you how much I miss cheesecake and milkshakes.  I can tell you that if you try a cleanse and stick with it, you will have some of the biggest logs and find yourself pissing every half hour.  That said, an unexpected gift has been bestowed upon me.  I probably have the worst gas of my life at this time.  Its so bad that I recently cleared out an entire section at a movie theatre.  I felt terrible that I spoiled my friend’s nachos.  As the benefits from the cleanse are countless, including better sleep, increased energy and improved health, I find this unwanted side effect difficult to cope with.  It’s one thing to have the occasional blow out, but I have round the clock type flatulence that packs quite the punch.  So how can one who ingests only organic foods with no bullshit additives have some of the most potent stinkies known to man?  How is it that people who live on fast food and drink sodas on the reg not have such foul smelling air biscuits?  If there is any solace to my plight, it’s that my blasts are barely audible.  After trying gas pills, peppermint, and other so-called preventive measures, I have taken a step back and accepted my fate.  Potent gas is my cross to bear on the road to eternal fitness.  Thankfully the month is coming to a close and I’m looking forward to some unhealthy food to bring my blasts back to normal.

Most people lack the wherewithal to forgo the gym when they are physically ill.  In short, fuck these people.  No matter where you live, it’s the dead of winter.  Though the weather may not be as shitty in California as it is in New York, there is a pretty good chance you know someone or at least have heard of some type of illness going around.  I take enough risks each time I venture outside my front door.  The last thing I want to do is end up with a pounding headache, a throat that feels like it’s filled with razorblades, and a serious case of the shits for the better part of a week thanks to some asshole that just couldn’t miss a day at the gym.  Just the other day as I was attempting to break a sweat on the elliptical, I had the displeasure of some fella with a nasty cough deciding to jump on the machine next to me.  We are not talking about a lightweight, forgivable cough that is well covered by the hand.  Nope, we are talking more of the loud, disgusting hack that produces quite a bit of funk that everyone can notice fly out of the mouth since this prick also refuses to cover his mouth.  Of course he doesn’t, because he is that guy.  My first move is to look over in disgust at this person, as if they just farted.  If that’s not enough to deter them from continuing their workout, I will go ahead and lay a stinky right there.  Based on my January diet, they are no doubt going to suffer from the gas face and if they happen to have a sinus problem there is a chance they will be unplugged within seconds.  So if you are feeling a little under the weather during these chilly winter months, why not skip the gym and just take your kids to McDonalds?