Just when you thought the fatty holidays were behind you, think again! With the Super Bowl taking place this weekend, people are looking forward to consuming excessive amounts of food, regardless of the teams taking the field. I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m one of those people. I could give a shit about either team playing but I do give quite a few shits about what foods wet my whistle on the best Sunday of the year. Here’s a rundown of some of the greatest foods enjoyed on the Super Bowl.
10) Pizza-sure this wheel of cheese and grease is great anytime but for some reason even the shittiest pizza tastes better during the Super Bowl
9) Nachos-I’m not talking about those bullshit nachos that Kip made during Napoleon Dynamite, I’m referring to those individually dressed up chips that are nothing short of fantastic. You know, the nachos that run you an extra few bucks in the restaurant. Remember ladies, if your man opts for the cheap nachos and forgoes the deluxe version, you are in for a world of hurt.
8) Guacamole-This may be an ingredient in quality nachos, but guess what fuckers, it’s fuckin’ great on it’s own!
7) Potato Skins-I would say pizza skins, like the ones I used to mow down when I worked at Pizzeria Uno as a youth, but something tells me they no longer exist. Any hole in the wall bar should be equipped to fry up a delicious plate of loaded potato skins, complete with sour cream and bacon.
6) Kobe beef sliders-Do I sound pretentious? Perhaps. But if you never had Kobe beef Sliders, then you haven’t really lived.
5) Burritos-If you are tired of my Mexican picks, too fuckin’ bad! They make very fatty foods and never are concerned about calorie count when designing their tasty fare, which is why they are a big part of this list. Burritos are one of the few foods that can weigh about 2 pounds but for some reason you can eat the entire thing (And definitely pay later)
4) Kettlecorn-Because you need some sweet to go with all that spicy shit
3) Pigs in a blanket-They may be a little small so feel free to enjoy a few dozen of these tasty treats at one time.
2) Chili-In addition to all the other spicy foods that are bound to give you indigestion, gas, and a plethora of health issues, Chili is the perfect topper to this Sunday. Not only will this give you those extra calories you are yearning for, but it is certain to leave a potent mark in anyone’s bathroom you are fortunate to visit that day.
1) Wings-Before you ask, mild wings DO NOT count. Spicy is the way to go, extra spicy if possible. There is no better feeling than having to eat more just to cover for the burning tongue that just won’t seem to go away.
So eat up America, and remember that Monday is right around the corner so you can yet again “start fresh” next week.