Celebrity Trainers

Looking to make it as a “Celebrity” trainer? Get in line, pal! It is not for the faint of heart and if you think your in-laws are needy, you should stick with training housewives. Here are some tips from a personal trainer who has trained a B-lister, a former porn queen, and a reality star (who really thought they were going to make the leap into mainstream acting).

First and foremost, it helps to be gay. All the major players in the celebrity training game seem to enjoy the same sex more than the opposite. From this trainer’s point of view….I get it. What is the safer bet? If Katy Perry was my girl (unfortunately she is not anymore) would I want her to train with some Don Julio with more abs, a man-bun, AND a hammer down below? Just playing the numbers game, you are going to be fishing from a much bigger pool of potential clients when the “I’m pretty sure we are gonna fuck at some point” line is out of the equation.

Next you have to be prepared to kiss some serious ass/dick/and every other piece of anatomy that these people require. Not the actual celebrity mind you, as some of them are more down to earth than your jerk off neighbors. But their handlers or “people” may be a whole other story. Get ready to make yourself more available around the clock due to scheduling issues. I’ve only dealt with one pseudo-celebrity who thought they were a little more special than the average person and it took way too long to learn they weren’t the only ones on my roster.

Get yourself a gimmick or be gone! No celebrity is going to be content showing up moving through your combination of sets and reps. That is unless of course you have a snappy catch phrase or tagline that miraculously makes your workout more special than the rest. You could have these motherfuckers maintain a plank for 20 minutes and move some shit around and they will swear by your methods….as long as it is called “Mobility Planking with Multi-angle Core Activation”. Or better yet….just stick with MPMCA method and before you know it you will have your own gym in Beverly Hills!

If you aren’t a high-energy person, find yourself some artificial means to get amped! I recommend some Stacker 2’s which you may be able to find on the black market if cocaine isn’t easily accessible. A zen-like persona may work if you are a yoga guru but that shit won’t fly if you are going to be a celebrity trainer. Since personality along with looks (which many people will deny but you’ve got to be a fucking moron to think it doesn’t matter) are everything these days. Remember no one likes an unfit trainer, but they dislike fugly ones even more.

Last but not least, it is all about who you know. If you went to high school with Ben Affleck, shared a J with him back in the day, kept in touch and are now a certified personal trainer, you are pretty much a shoe-in. If you lived down the street from Beyonce back in the day, she knocked you off your bike while practicing dance moves on the sidewalk, your parents still keep in touch, and you know a thing or two about fitness, you may find yourself a nice cushy gig keeping her in shape while on tour. Best of luck in your quest, and hopefully that shit will work out for you. Meanwhile I will be perfectly happy taking on those housewives.

Men are much different than women when it comes to going to the gym.  For starters, men are always looking for tail in the gym.  Most women are only looking for some strange at certain times each day.  Guys also seem to be at the gym for way too long, as if there isn’t anything better to do in life.  That said, here is what kind of guys you will find in the gym over the course of the day.

5am-8am

How people actually enjoy working out at this hour I’ll never know.  You will find mostly die-hard fellas in the gym at this time.  Something tells me that big-eared fella who is now Speaker of the house loves going to the gym at this time (Remember fellow personal trainers….you now have a second career in politics when you no longer want to count sets and reps!) You will also run into a few stragglers who barely touch a weight and are looking to make small talk at this ungodly hour.  Its been some time since I forced myself to the gym in the early am but I recall the smell of BO being quite potent as most people skip the shower before heading to the gym.  If you saunter into the gym at the crack of dawn, note the tension between those dudes who want to lift and those who want to linger.

8:30am-11:30am

You will find the “gym mayor” making his first appearance during this time.  He is easily recognizable in that he is the guy who will talk to anyone for much longer than they care for.  Most of the gents in the gym at this time are those mythical creatures known as “pensioners”.  If they didn’t come across as creepy and weird many of them would have a lady friend in life.  However, due to their odd behavior and constant conspiracy-theorizing, they tend to repel the opposite sex.  Funny, because if I wasn’t close to collecting social security but collecting a check despite not having to go to work everyday, I would be even cooler than I already am.

12pm-4pm

Remember ladies, there is no time of day when dudes aren’t looking to score.  This mid-day crowd consists mostly of senior citizens, unemployables, college dudes, and that rare breed of guy like myself.  The old timers seem to enjoy dropping knowledge on these unemployed (but don’t really want to work) types.  I can think of nothing more encouraging than listening to how some guy who barely graduated high school back in the good ol’ days while you are stuck trying to pay off your school loans and finding a job that doesn’t have the title of Sandwich Artist.  While you may not find your soulmate in the gym in the middle of the day, there is a better than average chance you will find more than a fair-share of men looking to bone!

4:30pm-7:30pm

Yes, happy hour for men has a much different meaning than it does for women.  This must be the ultimate smorgasbord for gals.  You pretty much have your pick from guys all over the economic and age gap.  Young dudes, old dudes, rich dudes, wanna-be rich dudes, fat guys, skinny guys, possibly gay but not quite sure guys….there is no lack of diversity in the gym at this time.  If you don’t mind sitting general admission on the main floor at a Metallica concert, then you won’t mind happy hour at the gym.

8pm-closing

For guys this time is just an extension of happy hour.  This is due to most men working out way too long.  What should take no more than an hour somehow approaches the length of The Godfather Part II.  In addition to all the over achievers, you also get those weirdos who seem to remind you of some character from some M Night Shyamalan movie.

Bottom line….sorry ladies, but it seems to me like its still a man’s world when it comes to the gym.  You may be able to get some on demand, but you are fishing from a pool chock full o’ shadiness!

Some of you are stuck going to the gym at happy hour, that horrible time after work when everyone else in America goes.  But for some of you guys (and a few girls) who are interested in knowing what type of women you find in the gym over the course of the day, I’ve done some exhausting research over the past year to bring you answers.  You are welcome in advance.

5am-8am

If you are one of those early rising assholes, good for you.  The type of women in the gym at this hour aren’t into your clever scheming to get into their pants.  You may find more than a few hotter than average young professionals in yoga pants but they are more worried about career advancement than your shlong.  This is apparently the time of day you go to the gym if you really want to workout.

8:30am-11:30am

The milf’s are out in full force at this time.  Sure they are spoken for by rich guys who, without their finances, would never even get the time of day from this caliber of women, but this is good news for you.  By you I mean the 30 and younger sir-lift-alot dude who sports either a tank top or a boy’s sized medium Captain America t-shirt from Target.  These are the types of ladies who are screaming for attention as they wear as little as possible.  Sure they don’t have to work for a living but they aren’t getting much satisfaction from that balding overweight guy they married.  They may even have multiple kids with a Jr.  or III after their name in the gym daycare as they survey the gym floor for a boner to hop on.  You are welcome gentlemen, good luck in your hunt.

12pm-4pm

Here we find the odd mix of unemployed middle-aged women and hot young college girls.  Be on guard as these older women may appear to be looking for some gym dick but unlike the hot milf’s who want nothin’ but a good time, you will find more than your fair share of mental issues with a tendency to cling.  As far the college co-eds who somehow always have amazing bodies with minimal effort, you need to sharpen your game if you are over the age of 30.  Trying to relate to whatever generation they fall under is no small feat as I notice the tried and true “let’s get a drink” doesn’t guarantee a blow job.

4:30pm-7:30pm

Happy hour in the gym is a free for all.  There are so many people filtering in or out that it is hard to keep track.  If anything, you need to strike quickly as you are not alone in your quest.  You are competing against Tom, Dick, and Harry for some gym ass.  Good news is that most of the women you meet at this time are employed,which decreases the chance of psychotic behavior you find from a bored housewife or college girl.

8:00-closing time

This time is a crapshoot.  You find the most eclectic mix of women in the gym at this time.  You will find big girls, small girls, older girls, stripper girls, and yes the occasional ugly girl all with different motives.  Like last call in a bar, some girls are here strictly to find some strange for that evening.   However, you also find the goth “Get the fuck out of my face” types who are here primarily to avoid interaction with humans.  If you are up for a good time, roll the dice and you may end up in the back of her Prius in the gym parking lot.

On that note, just keep this in mind fellas….you are always competing with the personal trainers on hand so best of luck out there.  Next time we will check out what kind of guys are in the gym throughout the day.

I’m not the only one who is more than annoyed when someone asks for a spot.  It usually occurs at the worst possible time, like when you are pinched for time and have only a little while to workout or finished and on your way out the door.  I find myself looking around wondering how everyone else in the room was lucky enough to get a pass but I end up button-hooked into spotting some bro on his bench.

Over the years I have come up with some sure-fire ways to avoid being suckered into that terrible task which never takes less than a couple minutes and ends up being repeated more times than you can count.  As much as we want that hot girl in yoga pants to ask us for a spot, that shit ain’t happening.  Even if by some miracle that actually does, this is for the other 99.9% of the time.

Pretend to get an important phone call

As much as life has become more of a pain in the ass thanks to the cell phone, it still is the primary means of getting you out of communicating with people you don’t want to.  This requires a keen eye, as it is important to be able to identify the perpetrator without making eye contact. Then you require an ability to converse with yourself long enough to get them to move on to another unsuspecting victim.

Break a little wind

This may seem like a tall task, but if you have been training for some time and eat a respectable diet you should have no problem with this.  When you discover you have been selected to provide a spot, time your gas to the moment of inquiry.  The key is to make sure it is loud enough and/or stinky enough to deter Mr. ‘I need a spot’.

Pick your nose

Phone in your gym bag and short on gas?  No problem at all.  Just jam that ring finger of yours right up a nostril when you notice that guy looking around the gym.  Beware this approach comes with a risk in that other people in the gym may see you and classify you as the gym dirtbag.  This will guarantee you no interaction whatsoever with spot man, however, I would encourage you to wash your hands afterwards.

Take a very, very, very long time on your next set

Those in need of a spot usually want it sooner than later.  If you get that uneasy feeling you may be called upon, quickly add a good amount of time to finish whatever it is you are doing.  This may necessitate some acting on your part especially if the weight is a little heavier. But hang in there, the longer you prolong that set, the less likely you are going to have to spot ‘Joey I can’t do this on my own’.

Just say no

Everyone with the exception of your next-door neighbors and boss gets a pass for saying whatever the fuck they want, whenever they want.  Well, my friend, now is your time.  Like the failed anti-drug campaign said back in the day, if it’s something you don’t want to do, don’t do it!  This may get you on the wrong side of some douche, but there are plenty of gym dudes who for some reason are dying to make friends while they should be exercising.  Be yourself. And remember, once you say no, don’t be that guy who tries to ask for one down the road!

Another year down, another resolution you are about to make and break in record setting time.  Every year a huge number of people talk about “getting healthy” but quickly realize that shit takes effort so 9 out of 10 who make the vow end up at square one less than six weeks into the new year.  Here are some of the worst resolutions you can make

5.  I will eat healthy

Making an umbrella resolution like eating healthy will backfire on just about everyone.  If you are used to the drive-thru and drink soda on the reg, chances are you aren’t going to give that up for quinoa salad and lemongrass tea.  Kind of like old school protein shakes.  They tasted great the first sip or two, but you end up choking the rest down.  Its much easier to stick with a super-sized #3.

4.  I am going to be a better person

If you are in your twenties, chances are you are the person you are going to be for the rest of your life.  In other words, if you are a dickhead at 25, you are more than likely going to be a dickhead for life.  I tried this bullshit resolution a few years back gave but quickly gave up a day later when I held the door open for some chode and he didn’t say thank you.

3.  I will exercise everyday

First off, no one exercises everyday unless they are getting paid for it or have serious mental issues.  If you have avoided exercise for years and think you are going to drag your ass to the gym every single day, you have a better shot of eating dry oatmeal for breakfast everyday in 2017.

2.  I am joining a gym

This isn’t a bad idea, but let’s be honest, you are going to piss away anywhere from $9.99 a month up to $99 because you are going to get sick of trying to find parking after a few weeks.  If you really wanted to shape up, you wouldn’t have lived like a sloth for the better part of 2016.

1.  I am going to sleep with my personal trainer 

Speaking from experience, this is a great thing….but the mystique ends faster than any of the above resolutions.  Unlike the other resolutions which take time and effort, this one is as simple as ordering a copy of “I like your form” Confessions of a Personal Trainer on Amazon.    Some young feisty trainers are going to be upset with me but I am warning you with Peace and Love.

If you have to ask this question, you should punch yourself in the face.  Considering you give your hair stylist, professor, mailman, landscaper, tarot card reader, veterinarian, and shithead neighbor you try to keep the peace with because they are an ex-convict a gift….the least you can do is lay out a few more shekels for your trusty personal trainer.

You know, the one person in your life who is who actually makes you a better person.  The only person who will make you get off your ass and add years of quality living to your days here on earth.  That one individual responsible for giving you that confidence to approach that guy or girl and say “Hey, do you know Karate? Because that body’s kicking!”

Who else is more deserving of a gift than the person who listens to you pour out your feelings two to three days a week?  Sure you pay good money for their time but all that talking during that session is an added bonus considering they are not trained in psychology.  Considering the median pay for a personal trainer is a 35k a year, not throwing them a gift for Christmas is pretty much a fuck you.

Now if you happen to have one of those dipshit trainers who coerces you to buy supplements you don’t want, are exactly the same weight and size when you first started training , cancels on you, or shows up late….don’t even think about getting them something.  In fact, you should be shopping around for a new trainer.  But if you like what you are getting remember that guy or girl who counts your sets and reps over the holiday.  And if you happen to get them a little something special, expect a little extra effort in the new year.

As I approach middle age….well at least 30-something, I can’t help but notice the recent trend of older personal trainers roaming the gym.  One day I decided to ask one of these silver streakers what the fuck they were thinking?  Of course their response quickly pissed me off.  One old timer stated that he retired several years back with a pension (To those under the age of 40 reading this don’t worry, its a word you don’t need to learn) and found himself working out in the gym most of the day.  So naturally he decided that this was a perfect fit for him.  I politely smiled as I thought of some poor shmuck working on their personal trainer certificate at a community college who will have to wait that much longer for a job because this grandpa decided he wanted to do more than just sit home and collect a check.

Another old timer who was a ringer for Ronnie the angry limo driver professed he got “tired” of the corporate world after 30 years and decided to do something he loved.  Fuck this guy, who slipped in that he received a golden parachute as they booted his borderline geriatric ass out the door.  “I don’t really need the money” was next out of this guy’s mouth.  Fortunately, I’m not some hungry trainer trying to make my mark in the world anymore because I would surely speed up this guy’s hip replacement after hearing about how is doesn’t need the money while I’m trying to figure out how to withdraw my last $3.00 from my checking account.

Are these baby boomers complete shitheads?  Most likely not, but unfortunately I have only met ones who became personal trainers because they are bored.  So as far as personal trainers have come over the years, they are still looked as a second class citizen when it comes to the professional hierarchy.  While you are spending your hard earned dollars on certifications and learning all you can learn about becoming a great trainer, just know someone’s gam-gam, who is drawing a pension from her old job as a secretary, may one day yank that just from under your feet because she was looking for something to do other than watch the Price is Right.

As the holidays approach, there is an uptick in client/personal trainer relations.  These shenanigans have been going on since muscle beach opened in the 1930’s.  But unlike today, extra-curricular activity back in the early years was much simpler.  Foreplay back in those days were quickly summed up in a thirty second conversation that went something like this, “Hey there-wanna bang?” followed by a “yay” or “nay”.  Today, there’s a little more ‘work’ involved, and signaling can get confusing. Here are just some of the many signs that you may soon find yourself inside of or on top of your trainer.

10. Late night texts

Just as the saying goes, nothing good happens after midnight, there is nothing good that comes from an after hours text that asks anything but what time tomorrow’s training session is.  Considering one of the guilty texters will be intoxicated, expect some spelling errors but the message will be crystal clear “UR So hot….wy don’t u come ova?”

9.  You go out drinking with your trainer

If you are remotely sexually attracted to your trainer, add the elixir of the gods and watch what happens.  Unless you are gay and your personal trainer isn’t, count on someone going down after the third drink.

8.  You find yourself spending more time being stretched

Although you are paying to exercise, you have no objection to spending more than half of your sessions either on your back or front with your trainer man-handling your limbs.  You may even find your legs in a position that are pictured in the Kama Sutra.

7.  You are told you are your trainer’s “favorite” client

As long as you realize you are more than likely number 4 or 5 on your trainer’s list of favorites, don’t get too heartbroken when you find out you are one of many.  Know that this is one of the sure-fire signs you have been selected to the spend some time in the boom boom room.

6.  You give your trainer gifts just because 

On top of the usual birthday and Christmas gift, you end up baking cookies, making dinner, buying shit throughout the year AND occasionally slipping in an extra $20 when paying for your sessions.  Even if your trainer isn’t looking to score, you may get a sympathy bone for your efforts.

5.  You look forward to your training sessions more than seeing your significant other

Just like you find yourself hating your job after some time, you end up noticing you would rather do anything but spend time with your partner.  This leads to looking forward to your training sessions so much so that you may end up adding an additional day a week even if you can’t afford it.  Finally you find yourself handling your trainer’s D or V.

4.  Most of your training session is spent talking about sex

There is a saying “If you build it, they will come.” Same goes for saying “If you talk about sex enough, you will find yourself coming.”  Whether you are the one asking or answering questions about sex, inevitably you are going to find out what your trainer is packing downstairs.

3.  You find yourself getting dressed up to go to the gym

Don’t think you are pulling a fast one on your trainer.  They know when you put that extra spritz of whatever Chanel you have in your glove compartment.  We also notice that fresh coat of makeup when you show up at the gym.  Once again if we are remotely attracted to you, you may find yourself getting wheel-barreled in the back office.

2.  You get insulted when your trainer actually makes you workout

Because you are so used to shooting the shit with your trainer, you expect the session to be more like a cross between a confession and counseling appointment.  The last thing on your mind is sets and reps, so when sexy talk gets put on the back burner you get all fired up.  By the way, once you take a ride on the bone roller coaster watch how each session gets more awkward as time goes by.

1.  Your trainer wants to “show you something” in the back office

This is about as forward as it gets.  If there is a place in the gym that is windowless and somewhat sound-proof, plan on getting your body fat tested and shortly afterwards getting topless.  Before you know it you might be saying “Hey boner.”

The treadmill.  This motorized fitness contraption that supposedly helps people take off lbs secretly keeps those same pounds exactly where they have always been, right around the ass.  It doesn’t happen for everyone, like the ones who actually use the fucking thing to run on, not to hang out on.  But like most of America this is the minority as most treadmills are filled with people just leisurely walking and talking.  Yes, that same walking thing they can do in the great outdoors, but for some reason or another they feel better about themselves for doing it on a hamster wheel that gives them a TV option and a very inaccurate calorie burn meter.

Every now and then I end up on one of these never ending conveyor belts.  And, without fail, every time I run into the same person, either the male or female version.  These special individuals are the lost souls who are reaching out for anyone to talk to.  As much as I enjoy writing, I really hate talking.  What I really hate is talking to someone I don’t want to talk to.  Just because I happen to be ambulating on a machine less than an inch from yours does not make it okay to open up about your plans for Thanksgiving, or even worse this fucking election.  Who cares how delicious your Aunt Peg’s stuffing is or why I should even give a shit about whoever is going to call Pennsylvania Ave their address for the next four years?

As soon as I get on the treadmill I almost immediately regret my decision.  It is not for a lack of trying, like I do when I utilize the urinals at the public restroom.  You better believe I scope out the joint and aim for the least populated area.  I do my best to make life easier all around and that includes doing what I can to avoid standing hip to hip next to the other guy while we hold our packages over the porcelain pot.  For some reason or another, ninety noine percent of the time I end up with the person who just HAS to find their way next to me, despite empty rows of other treadmills.  Now I know why people not only wear those Beats headphones in the gym, but also walk around in everyday life – just to avoid the inevitable nosy Ned.

Worse than talking is the amount of time people spend on these things.  I am talking about walking, not running.  I have witnessed people over the course of my hour and a half workout walking on a treadmill.  Not running, not walking up a steep incline, not walking backwards uphill, just plain ol’ walking for the 90 minutes I spent in the gym.  For all I know this malarkey continued for over 2 hours.  I’ll just say what everyone else is already thinking….What the fuck?  Do your due diligence. Do not speak until spoken to. Then if you’re lucky, it may just be someone who fancies a little more than a workout!

One day a friend said told me he had to go and do Les Mills.  I wondered why this guy never told me he was gay before that afternoon.  Much to my chagrin, he informed me that Les Mills was “like the best workout ever,” and he insisted he was straight.  Anyways with a little research I discovered this guy from down unda was a former Olympian who started a gym.  I was immediately impressed because of how original the idea for an Olympian opening a gym is.  And now that this guy Les Mills is pushing 80-something, it looks like his family is ‘taking the torch’ and capitalizing on his name, so shit has gotten crazy for the New Zealand legend.

There are apparently a dozen or so cardio classes. But wait!  They are like so much more because they include weights or bands or even DANCING!  Actually it’s more like break dance fighting, which by the way looks fucking stupid.  Poor Billy Blanks must be getting ready to roll over in his grave, even though he is still kicking somewhere.  Bodystep, Bodypump, Bodyattack!  The list goes on and on, forever.  Some jerkoff that shelled out the $300 to get “certified” in this bullshit will argue that “every class is like, SO different!”  What the fuck ever….you should have just gotten your personal training certification online.

Here is the scam – every 3 months for $35 you have to go online and buy some quarterly release kit.  This fascinating kit will include new music AND choreography notes.  But wait!  You also have an education section that somehow educates you and gives you a quiz on a cardio class.  Is that even possible? Are these people who can barely afford their rent also on crazy pills??? It’s a cardio class! Let’s all calm the fuck down.  Just when you thought the Crossfit cult had shit on lockdown, look out….Here comes Lester fuckin’ Mills.