Take your workout drank and shove it

drink

Sunglasses…check, 24 karat gold chain…check, killer tank top….check, Michael Jackson/workout gloves….check….Pre-workout ultra metabo-booster with ginseng and CLA/green tea extract…Yep!  Think you are officially ready to conquer the gym?  Think again my friend as you have been suckered into dropping $3.99 for 16 ounces of unfiltered water mixed with purple stuff that supposedly boosts your metabolism (and more than likely makes your urine glow in the dark).  Don’t worry, you aren’t the only chump in the bunch.  Back in my day I was conned into buying a case of some soon-to expire sizzurp that not only tasted like shit, but may be the reason behind this enlarged prostate.  These days there are countless pre/post workout drinks on the market that all claim to do everything from jack you up to melt that cellulite off your ass.

Does this magical powder somehow create miracles in the gym?  What the fuck do you think?  Now that ephedrine is banned in the US, every over-priced drink you throw down isn’t going to enhance your workout…..but it will mostly likely give you some potent gas to go along with a burning sensation in your lower abdomen for a couple of hours.  At least nowadays these wonder drinks taste much better than those of yesteryear when any supplement wasn’t considered legit if it didn’t taste like curdled milk with a chocolate aftertaste.  Just don’t ever bitch about money if you are pissing your pennies away on the promise of getting ripped from a drink.  Stick with that big jug of water and eat some beef after your workout.

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Hello there! I’m your new online trainer!

FatFitnessInstructor

So you just had to click on that groupon for a virtual trainer?  I’m probably not the first person to tell you that’s as dumb as thinking that girl you met online is really a girl with a legit vagina.  I understand you are on a budget but what the fuck?  That’s like taking a penis enlargement pill and thinking it really works (unless of course it’s the one that Ron Jeremy is peddling).  If you spend next to nothing on your health, don’t expect a miracle.  There is a pretty good chance your online trainer has duped many others and you are going to get a monthly workout that can be found in the December 2012 edition of Muscle & Fitness.  There is also a very good chance you are going to be rolling into the new year exactly the same weight you are right now because Biff’s advice of taking a protein supplement before your meals didn’t take into the account the array of shitty foods you mow down at your office everyday.

With the holiday season coming sooner than later, working out is an afterthought for just about everyone now that beach season is over.  Every trainer will tell you they get a little lax as the end of the year approaches.  Who the fuck wants to work out when Christmas parties are happening most days of the week?  So this trainer advises you to enjoy yourself a bit.  This should include taking advantage of open bars (if it’s a cash bar you chose the wrong party my friend) and making a few bad decisions, like getting a handy from that hot intern.  Instead of blowing your wad on some worthless online trainer that sucks, save your pennies for a real trainer who knows what the fuck they are doing.  Because, starting in January, I’m open for business…….yet again.

Tips on how NOT to approach that hot girl in the gym

 

 

 

"Yo check out my Facebook page!"

“Yo check out my Facebook page!”

With many ways to go about meeting that girl of your dreams in the gym, there are many more ways on how not to do it.  From wearing mismatched socks to wearing sunglasses to taking selfies with your dream girl bent over doing rows in the background, the list goes on and on.

Being a remotely hot girl trying to workout must be very annoying in a world full of guys looking to get their dicks wet everywhere they go.  I can only imagine the female plight of fighting off dudes who are constantly trying to get in their panties.  For you fellas out there taking your mother’s advice in hopes to get you out of the family basement and meeting a good girl in the gym, here are a few tips on what NOT to do.

Wearing a shirt that may be funny but immediately puts you in the ‘douche’ category

I know I’m not the only asshole who owns a Suns Out, Guns Out tank top.  Just remember gentlemen there is a a time and a place.  Chances are if you approach a girl wearing this type of shirt you will not only get the cold shoulder but will more than likely be the butt of all jokes during the next girls night out.  When making a move, keep it plain and simple and for god sakes don’t dress like a spring breaker.

Talk about yourself and how great you are

I see many dudes talk amongst a group about how much they benched last week and how changing their grip while doing rows has made a huge difference in their lives.  There are more than a handful of tools in the gym who seem to get off on this information.  I along with just about every female on the planet can’t stand these jerk offs who just feel the need to share this bullshit news.  If there is one thing I have learned in life, unless you play the guitar in a band, play a sport for living, or act in movies, no woman is going to want to give you a blow job just from talking about yourself.

Being that persistent guy on the treadmill next door who won’t take no for an answer 

This is a big fucking no-no. Once again, unless you are a rockstar, literally, don’t even try to continue a conversation if you don’t even get a “hello” when you jump on the treadmill next to that girl with those large C’s protruding out of that tank top.  Right now in some gym there is a girl feeling very uncomfortable next to a sweaty dude with not enough deodorant on talking her ear off.  If you don’t get eye contact or get nothing but one word responses, move on my friend and remember there are many other fish in the sea.

Studies say you have just as good of a chance of scoring in a gym than you do in a bar.  It seems those endorphins released from exercising are just as potent as those you get from drinking half a dozen Moscow Mules.  Just keep it simple and as long as you don’t look like Rocky Dennis, you will more than likely get yourself some gym tail!

Tips on how to approach that hot girl in the gym

Damn Girl!

Damn Girl!

 

Over the years I have seen an array of techniques used to strike up a convo with that cute girl in short shorts on the treadmill.  Some dudes rely strictly on their “guns” to do the talking, while others make the mistake of talking about themselves.  This is a very complex subject that I recommend some PhD candidate write a dissertation on some day.  I would be happy to do it but I’m busy trying to put together “Nice Abs – More Confessions of a Personal Trainer”.

There are many women in the gym.  The key is to decipher which ones are looking for that little extra.  That girl who has a natural beauty about her and doesn’t get all made up to go to the gym mostly likely isn’t looking for dick.  On that note, there is more than a fair share of ladies looking for Mister Right while getting a workout in.

Ask her about that exercise she is doing

Women love when guys don’t know what they fuck they are doing and have a chance to shine in the spotlight in the role of educator.  Even if its something as basic as a biceps curl, ask her about her technique then shut the fuck up and let her go.  Chances are she will light up as she explains the ins and outs to you, unless of course you are some hideous chode.  Women love guys who at least pretend to listen because we are all very shitty listeners in real-life.

Compliment her, but not on her looks Captain Obvious

Inquire about her calves, arms, legs, or anything other than her chest, ass, or face.  The key is to make her feel like you don’t want to just bend her over the bench and take her for a ride.  With just a little prying this will open up a conversation about her routine.  There is a trend here, and that is to let her talk.  If she isn’t much of a conversationalist, you may have to ask some follow up questions, but remember dipshit, try to listen at least a little bit.

Make fun of that Crossfit guy doing fucked up pull-ups 

At any given time in the gym, there are many people doing all kinds of crazy shit that is bound to get a laugh or two.  Unless you happen to choose the girl working out with mismatched high-socks, you might get lucky and find that perfect girl who shares the same fucked up sense of humor as yourself.  Quickly make eye contact with the girl you have targeted, then immediately lead her eyes to where someone is doing some outrageous shit.  If she is the one, you will see her chuckle and you are assured an in for further conversation.  If you can read lips and you notice her mouthing the words “You are an asshole” just remember there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Remember the gym is the one of the best places to meet a mate.  If you play your cards right you may end up with some gym bunny butt-naked on your couch in the next week or two.  Check in soon for tips on how not to approach a girl in the gym.

 

 

 

 

 

10 reasons why your gym sucks

gym-membership-salemanBy now many of you are done dealing with those pesky New Years resolution folks who just can’t seem to stick with it.  Even though the gym floor opens up a bit, there are many reasons why your gym sucks.  Here are just a few, of many,

1.  Your gym membership costs less than $20 a month. 

I don’t give a shit if I’m working out in a judgment free zone, you better believe i will judge the hell out of everyone that walks through the door.  If the monthly fee at your gym is about enough to fill up half your tank with gas, chances are the people working out there are the reasons why you stopped going to the movies on the weekends.  You get what you pay for.

2.  Your fellow gym members use equipment as furniture

How many assholes do you know that park their asses on the bench for at least a half an hour or so?  How about those Bros who just have to congregate at the cable column to talk about their new tats?  I would pay well over a $100 a month to a gym that pays an attendant to cut down on this type of tomfoolery.

3.  The music blows

Sure I can wear earbuds, but I’m trying to preserve my hearing for the next Van Halen concert.  Taylor Swift may be good to look at, but when doing a heavy set of squats her voice doesn’t exactly inspire me to get it up (in that way).

4.  The front desk staff sucks

Not the most difficult thing in the world to organize but for some reason most gyms can’t figure this out.  Something as simple as scanning your card seems to be a chore to the young guy or gal who would rather be texting than working.

5.  The weights are always all over the fucking place

Forget about the rack that never seems to be in order and always missing the matching 45 pound dumbbell for some reason.  How about the leg press with every 45 lb plate in the gym piled high?  Sometimes this can be forgiven but when you notice the fitness attendant attending to someone by getting a phone number, this shit is the worst.

6.  They make it nearly impossible to cancel

Must be moving farther than 20 miles from the gym, must give a 3 month advanced notice ON the 15th of the month, or they somehow charged you by “accident”.  These are just the many ways gyms will fuck you out of your money and make you hate them.

7.  The parking lot is always full

With our ever-increasing population, you can’t really blame this one squarely on the gym.  But if you happen to be in a gym that shares parking with other buildings or has just a few spaces available to its members, the likelihood of you driving around a couple times to find a spot just to turn around and go home is extremely high.  Thus, your gym sucks.

8.  The bathrooms are disgusting

I’m not talking about immediately after the big fella drops a steamer in there, that’s bound to happen a few times a day.  I’m talking about the general smell of the whole place.  If the locker room and shower area brings you back to your high school days, hopefully you are paying less than $20 a month.

9.  There are very few hot chicks (But plenty of tank-topped dudes)

When I plunk down my coin to workout somewhere, I take full advantage of the full tour to uncover every square foot of the gym to see where the ladies may be.  I prefer the girls on the gym floor tossing around some weight rather than the cardio queens, but as long as they are decent eye candy I’m good.  If your gym is a sausage-fest, have at it if that’s your thing.

10.  They are constantly trying to up sell you and force you into personal training

Yes I’ve worked at many a gym where personal training sales were the moneymaker, but these days this shit is out of hand.  I was recently at a gym and some frosty haired chode kept badgering me about training.  After 8 minutes of unwanted conversation and many “No’s” later, he got the point.  If this shit happens to you on a regular basis at your gym, then your gym really sucks.

Are the dozens of more reasons why your gym sucks? Yep.  So keep an eye out for these annoying traits and remember you get what you pay for.

 

 

 

5 reasons why you DON’T want to get your girl personal training for Valentine’s Day

Funny-Valentines-day-joke

 

There are hundreds of bullshit presents you can get your girl for Valentine’s Day.  Overpriced roses that die in couple days, or perhaps that fine smelling perfume that makes you reminisce of the girl you really enjoyed boning back in the day.  Whatever item you choose to throw away your money on, just know that personal training for your significant other is the absolute WORST present you can get her.  Here are five reasons why.

5.  She is going to think that YOU think she is fat (Even if she is far from it)

I’ve seen countless women sized 4 and under think that their mate wants them to lose more weight despite seeing ribs.  This is a sure-fire way to deter your girl from your cock and steer them into their personal trainers.  She will not only hate you but one day give you a nice sloppy kiss shortly after it was wrapped around her trainer’s member.

4.  She has been secretly wanting an excuse to leave your sorry ass

By putting a fresh piece of meat in front of your girl, one that has the pleasure of seeing her for only a couple of hours each week, there is a better than average chance he will “get her” more than you, even if you have been together for over a decade.  Unless you want to hasten the demise of your relationship, getting her personal training is not a wise move.

3. It will not only insult her, but her friends will fucking despise you

There is a good chance the people your girl hangs with already hate you and put up with you because they care about their friend.  They may smile to your face but just know they all talk shit behind your back, and know all about your premature ejaculation issues.  Know that you are always on a slippery slope and one bad move such as this can send you into danger zone.

2.  You aren’t exactly the second coming of Charles Atlas

Unless you happen to be a MMA fighter, professional athlete, or just some guy who is all sauced-up, then you should think twice about surrounding your girl by someone who at least has a better body than you.  Even if that trainer happens to look like Steve Buscemi with a tiny dick, there is a good chance he has bigger quads than you and will gladly listen to your girl’s bullshit for an hour, rendering you a tool of a boyfriend/husband who is paying for their lady to get laid.

1.  You will get the exact opposite of what you think you are going to get

Think your girl is just a few months of training away from attaining the body of Sofia Vergara?  Think again….you will find out quickly your girl will have new interests and a strong desire to do anyone BUT you.  Sorry, but unless you have the minds of the geniuses in Weird Science and somehow know how to create your own model, you are going to fucked in this deal.

Bottom line, there is a good chance your dick will be seeing much less action than your girl’s trainer.  Unless that trainer happens to be a hot girl (always think threesome) avoid this gift at all costs!  Take it from a personal trainer who knows that signing her up for personal training will 87% of the time lead to some extra-curricular training.  Get your ass online and buy that shitty piece of gold from Kay Jewelers and call it a day.

Top 10 reasons your new year’s resolution is BULLSHIT!

newyears1

Once again its that time of year where everyone decides to “turn it all around!” or vow to “make this year the best EVER!”  As much as I love the $$$ the new year will bring my way, seeing the same person time and time again swear that they are ready to change is bullshit.  There will be moments in the next week when I sit with a new client in my office and want to tell them what I’m about to tell you….

10.  You don’t have the money to do it

Unless you are rich, you are more than likely poor.  You may call it getting by, but when you think healthy food is too expensive there is a good chance you are fuckin’ broke.

9.  You don’t have enough time

Between your screaming kids, a very unsatisfied wife and the job you hate, trying to carve out the time to exercise just isn’t possible.  Many fitness assholes will tell you there is always time, but this trainer keeps it real.

8.  You watch too much TV

If you think you are going to look like Jennifer Aniston or Dwayne Johnson anytime soon, think again.  The media shows you an unrealistic picture of health.  Remember there are many reasons there are many more people in the world that look like Precious rather than a super model.

7.  You are too old

Yes, age really does matter.  The older you are, the harder this shit is.  Sure there is an outlier here or there, but the stereotype of an old timer in a rocking chair is there for a reason.

6.   You think you can do it alone

If you think you could do it on your own, then why the fuck haven’t you done it already?  If your idea of making a positive change is opting for a diet soda instead of a regular one, the odds of you failing is imminent.

5.  What the fuck were you doing the rest of the year?

Self explanatory.  If you really wanted to do this, you would have done it at some point during the past year.  If you had an excuse not to do it earlier, you will come up with another good one to stop sometime before March.

4.  A new year can’t give you motivation

Sure you are 10 lbs heavier than you were last year, and you are a far cry from that picture you took enjoying spring break many moons ago, but a new year isn’t going to motivate your fat ass to do something different.

3.  You are really unhappy

If you were the least bit happy with the way your life has turned out, you wouldn’t need to make some bullshit resolution because you would be one of the special few who just don’t give a fuck.

2.  Try being original

Instead of sticking with that old cliche of bullshit new years resolutions, why not be different?  Here’s one for you…how about quitting that bullshit job of yours and doing something you really want to do in life?

1.  You said the same shit last year

Not even a year ago, you vowed to “Get back into shape!”  But what happened???

And I’m sure you will say it again next year, so until then have a happy 2015

5 things you SHOULD get your Personal Trainer for Christmas

Because there is only 11 more shopping days until Christmas……

JD Holmes

Now that you are thoroughly educated in what you should not get your trusty personal trainer for the holidays, here’s some ideas that would make any trainer happy.

1)  Cash, or dinero if you live in California or Texas

Speaking from experience, there is nothing better than a handshake accompanied by a C-note to make the yuletide just a little sweeter.  Some will say this is the most impersonal gift you can give, but I am here to say fuck that noise.  You can rack your brain for weeks trying to pick out what will inevitably become a shitty gift or ensure success with some cold hard cash.

2)  Several friends who want to sign up for personal training

Just as happy as cash will make us, so will another paying client.  As much shit as I talk, I somehow have been able to build up a…

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5 things you do NOT want to get your Personal Trainer for Christmas

Because it’s that time of year again-so just in case you were wondering what not to get your personal trainer for Christmas, here’s a reminder

JD Holmes

I fuckin’ love Christmas.  Back in my heyday of personal training I would rack up more shit than I knew what to do with.  Between all the cash and prizes my clients would give me, I would sometimes forget about the sudden uptick in blowjobs I received throughout the month of December.  I won’t even go into detail about the endless number of Christmas parties I was privileged enough to attend thanks to my clients.  I wouldn’t want to upset those of you who this year were treated to an office luncheon catered by Subway followed by a secret santa exchange with a $10 limit.  Is it even possible to get a decent gift these days for $10?  Anyhow, for those of you still searching for that perfect gift to give your personal trainer, here are some tips on shit we really don’t want.  This would be an appropriate…

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10 other jobs your personal trainer has (other than personal training)

They say it’s good to diversify oneself, so undoubtedly your personal trainer is involved in one or more of the following occupations.  I may not have held all of these jobs, but I’ve had more than my fair share.  Let’s face it, personal training will only get you so far in life.

10.  Bartender-

Because bullshitting happens to be a trait that a personal trainer has down pat, mixing drinks and popping bottle caps while conversing with members of the opposite sex comes easy.  On a side note, if a bartender calls themselves a mixologist, they are a fucking tool.

9.  Model-

You will not find your trainer gracing the cover of Vanity Fair or GQ, but that Target ad they did sporting a tee-shirt counts for something.  Yes, looking good can pay much better than being fat and ugly.

8.  Comedian-

I’ve only met one personal trainer/stand-up comic, and he happened to be pretty funny.  They are few and far between, but if you live in NYC or LA, there is a pretty good chance your trainer is working on his/her material while you are paying them.

7.  Real Estate agent-

Talk about fucking you twice.  Not only did this person get you to throw down an hourly rate to train, but they managed to get up to 5% of that money pit they just sold you, bravo!

6.  Independent sales rep-

Fancy word for supplement peddler.  Whether its Isagenix, Advocare, or whatever the fuck the next big supplement is on the market, this trainer is going to try to make an extra buck off you by promoting this unnecessary shit.

5.  Waiter/waitress-

For the unfortunate ones who don’t make it as a bartender, serving tables at Shenanigan’s while some kid throws crayons and spills shit everywhere is where you will find these trainers.  Waiting tables and waiting for that big break.

4.  Stripper-

Self-explanatory.  Because being in great shape transitions easily over to the adult entertainment industry.  Oh yeah and the money is fucking outstanding!

3.  Student-

Like strippers, personal trainers always seem to be going to school for something better.  Too bad going to school isn’t a job! And good luck getting a job with that bachelor’s degree in nothing if you don’t have an Uncle Lou on the board of some company!

 2.  Bouncer-

Haven’t seen a female trainer double as a bouncer just yet, but with female MMA stars on the rise its only a matter of time.  This position is reserved for the very large trainers who business owners wisely do not trust with cash.  That being said, the amount of tail accumulated by this job may possibly dwarf that of a personal trainer.

1.  Actor/Actress- 

Just because you are better than average looking with a better than average body does NOT mean you are fit for acting.  But that will not stop your trainer from auditioning all over town with no acting experience other than that middle school production of Peter Pan.  I thought for sure I was going to the be the next Van Damme, but it just didn’t work out that way.

So get that personal trainer a nice holiday gift and remind them that a jack of all trades is good at nothing.