Some of you are stuck going to the gym at happy hour, that horrible time after work when everyone else in America goes.  But for some of you guys (and a few girls) who are interested in knowing what type of women you find in the gym over the course of the day, I’ve done some exhausting research over the past year to bring you answers.  You are welcome in advance.

5am-8am

If you are one of those early rising assholes, good for you.  The type of women in the gym at this hour aren’t into your clever scheming to get into their pants.  You may find more than a few hotter than average young professionals in yoga pants but they are more worried about career advancement than your shlong.  This is apparently the time of day you go to the gym if you really want to workout.

8:30am-11:30am

The milf’s are out in full force at this time.  Sure they are spoken for by rich guys who, without their finances, would never even get the time of day from this caliber of women, but this is good news for you.  By you I mean the 30 and younger sir-lift-alot dude who sports either a tank top or a boy’s sized medium Captain America t-shirt from Target.  These are the types of ladies who are screaming for attention as they wear as little as possible.  Sure they don’t have to work for a living but they aren’t getting much satisfaction from that balding overweight guy they married.  They may even have multiple kids with a Jr.  or III after their name in the gym daycare as they survey the gym floor for a boner to hop on.  You are welcome gentlemen, good luck in your hunt.

12pm-4pm

Here we find the odd mix of unemployed middle-aged women and hot young college girls.  Be on guard as these older women may appear to be looking for some gym dick but unlike the hot milf’s who want nothin’ but a good time, you will find more than your fair share of mental issues with a tendency to cling.  As far the college co-eds who somehow always have amazing bodies with minimal effort, you need to sharpen your game if you are over the age of 30.  Trying to relate to whatever generation they fall under is no small feat as I notice the tried and true “let’s get a drink” doesn’t guarantee a blow job.

4:30pm-7:30pm

Happy hour in the gym is a free for all.  There are so many people filtering in or out that it is hard to keep track.  If anything, you need to strike quickly as you are not alone in your quest.  You are competing against Tom, Dick, and Harry for some gym ass.  Good news is that most of the women you meet at this time are employed,which decreases the chance of psychotic behavior you find from a bored housewife or college girl.

8:00-closing time

This time is a crapshoot.  You find the most eclectic mix of women in the gym at this time.  You will find big girls, small girls, older girls, stripper girls, and yes the occasional ugly girl all with different motives.  Like last call in a bar, some girls are here strictly to find some strange for that evening.   However, you also find the goth “Get the fuck out of my face” types who are here primarily to avoid interaction with humans.  If you are up for a good time, roll the dice and you may end up in the back of her Prius in the gym parking lot.

On that note, just keep this in mind fellas….you are always competing with the personal trainers on hand so best of luck out there.  Next time we will check out what kind of guys are in the gym throughout the day.