Hello there! I’m your new online trainer!


So you just had to click on that groupon for a virtual trainer?  I’m probably not the first person to tell you that’s as dumb as thinking that girl you met online is really a girl with a legit vagina.  I understand you are on a budget but what the fuck?  That’s like taking a penis enlargement pill and thinking it really works (unless of course it’s the one that Ron Jeremy is peddling).  If you spend next to nothing on your health, don’t expect a miracle.  There is a pretty good chance your online trainer has duped many others and you are going to get a monthly workout that can be found in the December 2012 edition of Muscle & Fitness.  There is also a very good chance you are going to be rolling into the new year exactly the same weight you are right now because Biff’s advice of taking a protein supplement before your meals didn’t take into the account the array of shitty foods you mow down at your office everyday.

With the holiday season coming sooner than later, working out is an afterthought for just about everyone now that beach season is over.  Every trainer will tell you they get a little lax as the end of the year approaches.  Who the fuck wants to work out when Christmas parties are happening most days of the week?  So this trainer advises you to enjoy yourself a bit.  This should include taking advantage of open bars (if it’s a cash bar you chose the wrong party my friend) and making a few bad decisions, like getting a handy from that hot intern.  Instead of blowing your wad on some worthless online trainer that sucks, save your pennies for a real trainer who knows what the fuck they are doing.  Because, starting in January, I’m open for business…….yet again.

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