5 Reasons why you need a personal trainer

Without calling you fat, I’m going to give you 5 reasons why you should get a personal trainer

5.  You don’t really know what the fuck you are doing

The greatest apps and youtube videos in the world can’t help you with something called form.  You can use every mirror in the gym but you really don’t know what you are looking for, DO YOU?  Form is integral while working out, unless you enjoy aches & pains with every day activities. So part with some of that money you are saving to send that kid to college who will no doubt call you fat one day if you don’t shape up!

4.  You make more than 75K a year (If you use the kid excuse here, there is a good chance you already are fat)

After some lengthy calculations, here’s what I’ve come up with.  At 75 G’s a year, with close to 30 percent being taken out for taxes, healthcare, retirement, you are left with just under $2000 every other week.  Now if you choose to live in a ridiculously priced condo and drive a brand new Mercedes, you may find yourself strapped at the end of the month because you really are an asshole! What kind of APR do you think hospitals offer to finance a shiny new bypass on your heart? Figure out your priorities and get yourself in shape!

3.  You like talking to people, but many people in your life don’t really like listening to you

Call it the two-fer.  By hiring a personal trainer you also get yourself a pseudo-psychiatrist (albeit one that may lead you on a very terrible path).  You will not only be able to get in shape, but you will be able to unload all that baggage your ex-boyfriend Lou gave you by leaving you with a frequent itch down below and a PS3 system you don’t even know how to use.

2.  You are lazy

Most people just want someone else to do shit for them.  There is a good chance you don’t mow your own lawn, because you are lazy.  You also may think you can’t learn how to workout on your own because you are lazy.  Having a personal trainer will take the guess work out of working out.  Pay just a little over a buck an hour and someone will spoon-feed your lazy ass the exercise you need.

1.  You cannot see your private parts when you look down

I may have said I’m not going to call you fat, but I am going to say you are clearly doing something wrong in life if you cannot see your no-no parts without looking in a mirror.  The longer you go with that gut/gunt, the more likely you are to be miserable…and FAT!

The 5 fitness trends most similar to cults

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Why the world of exercise has to be as divided as political parties I will never know. It reminds me of young Daniel Larusso getting harassed by the Cobra Kai when they beat him up while he was wearing that red member’s only jacket. Everyone talks shit about whatever exercise theory they do not subscribe to. You hear it all, “Machines are for pussies!” or “Doing that will fuck you up!” Who hasn’t said negative shit about the new gym that opened down the street with some trendy new fad that could possibly shut your precious temple of exercise down for good? Some people, however, exhibit Branch Davidian behavior when it comes to defending their sacred form of exercise. Here’s the top 5-

Spinning-

Spinning is great. It is a great form of exercise and challenges you more than most group exercise classes out there. But for fuck sake, you are pedaling indoors so why the full Tour de France get up? Complete with the disgraced Lance Armstrong postal team jersey, the only thing that’s missing is the helmet (which I’m sure someone out there has sported at least once). Remember spinners, cross training is more than riding your bike indoors.

Yoga-

Who doesn’t enjoy stretching? It’s always overlooked, so what better excuse than to have a whole hour dedicated to it? Unfortunately, I can do without the chanting and humming during my asana. Some of the attire seen in these classes is what you would expect to see at the traveling circus. I’ve seen onesies with a furry wrap around the body and some thick random colored socks, but I just show up with shorts and a Metallica shirt on, not quite caring if I throw off the peaceful vibe.

Zumba-

I never tried this, and I never will. If anyone wanted to see my moves they are more than welcome to join me after some time with the hotbox and a little purple haze. These people who just have to ‘dance!’ annoy most people in the fitness world. Their giddiness alone pisses the average person off, and really annoys anyone who works in the fitness industry. Of course these people think this is the only type of exercise they need, because most of the people that do it have quit everything else they’ve tried in life. Boom! There it is.

Bootcamp-

For starters, its nothing like real bootcamp. For these fuckers to think they can hang with anyone who is in the military is a shame. It’s pretty much a collection of random exercises done without rest or attention whatsoever to form. If you need some asshole in a tight shirt to yell at you for motivation, you more than likely suck at many things in life. Try to skip dessert every now and then and lift a weight or two before you subject yourself to this type of treatment.

Crossfit-

Before I even finish this post, my twitter feed will be blown up with every crossfit douche that swears it is different than circuit training. Without even going into the ridiculous rate of injury of this activity that people pay top dollar for, there is no doubt this clan takes the cake in terms of cult-like behavior. From the WOW’s to the catchy names of each routine, they somehow have an entire generation roped in. Unfortunately, these same people should buy stock in any medical device company as their shit is going to be more than fucked up well before retirement.

5 reasons why you should tip your personal trainer

Ah yes, the holiday season is right around the corner yet again.  Between working on ‘Nice Abs’ More Confessions of a Personal Trainer and training clients out of my new studio, I am going to give you the real on why you should shell out even more for you personal trainer.

5) Without your trainer, you would be fat

Let’s face it, without that weekly scheduled session there is a good chance you would be at TGI Fridays with your co-workers enjoying their endless appetizers.  You and I both know if you had it in you to stick with a routine you would have done it by now, you wouldn’t have to wait until the next exercise craze that comes out over the holidays just to ‘start fresh’.  Don’t be that guy or girl that says you can do it alone, you can’t.        

4)  Most trainers only get a fraction of what you actually pay for each session 

Thanks to business savvy folks who know how to make a buck off someone else’s back, many trainers bring in only a small piece of that $75 you are throwing down for that hour of training.  That’s the reason so many trainers are also models/actors/bartenders in addition to the time they don the form fitting shirts and show you how to do a push up.  Do your trainer a favor, kick in a few extra dollars so they don’t have to hustle as much.  NOTE-this does not apply to trainers who are stay at home moms who are bored and just need an excuse to get out of the house and feel like they are working.  You should be paying your whopping 3 clients instead of taking from money from them so they can listen to how hard it is to raise kids.

3)  The $$$ you save in future medical bills will more than make up for the few dollars you give each session

If you think your diabetes medication and slew of other prescription meds are going to be covered by your shitty health insurance plan, think again!  Do you remember the last time you went to a doctor?  Remember how you got treated like shit by the angry woman behind the desk and got thrown into a room for an hour or two just to wait for 2-3 precious minutes from this God-like doctor who never really makes eye contact with and seems to tell you the same shit the last doctor told you?  Get used to spending a lot more time in these places and getting the run-around if you let your health go.  

2)  Personal Trainers are much cheaper than a psychiatrist

From personal experience, I once shelled out $350 to spill my beans to some fella who looked a lot like Frodo just to have this prick tell me I have issues with my parents and that I needed to run out and buy a copy of Rich Dad, Poor Dad right away!  For well under half of that cost I could have gotten a great workout and someone who would have listened to my bullshit without expecting some advice that would change my life.  By the way, that was about 7 years back, I actually read that piece of shit book and just got more angry.  Thanks Dr. Asshole.   

1)  You tip pretty much everyone else in life these days

I can’t seem to go anywhere without some kind of fuckin’ tip jar out.  Used to be just your hairdresser, waiters and waitresses, and the valet.  Now everyone has their hand out.  I had some jerk off clean my gutter a few back and I scratched my head when he told me what the price was but that he would gladly accept more if I thought he did a great job.  Why not kick in an extra few bucks for the guy or gal who is going to get your ass into shape and keep it that way?  I don’t know about the rest of you but an extra sawbuck every now and then puts you in my good graces for some time.  Will you get some extra perks out of it?  Absolutely.  So open up that wallet and tip your trainer, and I’ll bet you will be happy with what comes your way.  

 

What happens when someone tries to correct a trainer while they are working out?

Most personal trainers (apparently not all of them) need to workout quite a lot themselves to look the part.  As much as I would enjoy spending my off time at the beach with a bag of honey mustard pretzel bites, I unfortunately have to maintain my abs.  One random Tuesday while attempting to sculpt my glutes by doing bridges on a swiss ball, I encountered what every trainer loathes.  The overzealous guy or girl who may or may not be a trainer but decides to impart their unsolicited advice onto you.  There are many reasons people choose to lay on the couch instead of hit the gym, and this guy is one of them.  To have someone tell you how to exercise is fucking annoying… wait, thats what I do for a living.  But that’s neither here nor there.  With the AC on the fritz and the sweltering mid-summer heat making any workout a pain in the fucking ass, the last thing I needed was some jerk off telling me what I should be doing.  “You know if you lift your hips higher you will get more of your hamstrings,” said the fella who just so happened to be wearing a wife-beater to me.  Fuck.  That beautiful four-letter word was the first thing that popped into my head.  As fate would have it, I was the only person sharing the room with Mr. annoying at the moment.  “Really?” I countered with my all-time I don’t give a fuck retort.  He proceeded to tell me why I should lift my hips higher, which was based on no scientific data whatsoever.  I was quickly learning why most people in the gym crank up their ear buds and drown out the world.  If you don’t happen to have your iPod, fear not as these tips will come in handy.

1) Continue with one word responses.  Over time, most assholes figure out you don’t give two shits about what they are talking about and retreat to the next poor soul.

2) Tell them you are a trainer.  This usually shuts people right the fuck up, but may open you up to further questions or comments.

3) Without responding, just get up and walk away.  Its one of the funnier things you can do in this situation.  I’ve seen this done by several trainers over the years who don’t want to waste their time listening to some random douche.

On this day I opted for the tried and true tip #1.  This may come across as dickish, or cuntish, but you are a trainer so you may already come across this way.

What about those big people who do way too much cardio?

People always ask, “JD, what’s the deal with those huge people who only do cardio?” That is a loaded question, because many people who are too big have no idea they are too big. They believe they are perfectly proportionate for their height.  Call me crazy, but if I look down and cannot see my no-no parts, that is my cue that something has to change.  Throw in the fact they take back to back spin classes and finish it all off with a 30 minute jaunt on the treadmill, they think they are invincible. So what if that spinning bike shudders every time they walk into the room? If  those bikes could talk, I’m sure there is a running bet of which one is going to have to hold the elephant for the next hour.  “Hey Louie, how you holding up after last night’s class?  Looked like you had a baby gorilla on your back?” “Not too good Chuck, my flywheel is about to snap, not to mention my seat is bent.”  How could this be that someone who averages a couple of hours daily doesn’t seem to lose a single pound? Here are the facts my friends:  First, they only do cardio. You will never see these people lift a weight. I get they can’t comfortably fit in most of the machines but they are more than capable of picking up a free weight every now and then. Next, their diet wreaks of McDonalds and Wendy’s. Their idea of eating healthy is a number 2 with diet soda and not super sized.  These are the same people that say “I’ve been doing really good with my diet lately”, just before devouring the Ol’ 96er.  Lastly, they are just starting off and have no idea what to do. While its a great idea to move more in order to lose weight, having a plan helps. Don’t want to hire a skinny-ass personal trainer? Find yourself a big one. I notice these days personal trainers seem to let themselves go but somehow think its okay because… they are a personal trainer.

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JD’s Top 5 Exercises

Many people ask, “What are the best exercises?”  Very few people know the answers to this question. Fortunately for you, I’m one of the few!  If someone tells you the ass-blaster or butt-crunch device is one of the top exercises, I hope you are paying less than $20 for your worthless trainer.  In fact, if anyone ever says a machine makes the top 5, you most likely have yourself a Groupon certified trainer.  Sorry but you will hear no tales of tits and ass today my friends, as we now talk training (and of course some shit).

5) Wide Grip Pull-ups

No, I’m not talking about the narrow grip ones that work your fuckin’ biceps more than your back.  I mean those hard ones you tend to avoid, using the excuse that you injured your shoulder back in JV football and cannot partake.  Just do them, and when they get easy, tie a weight around your waist.  If you want to feel and look awesome, do yourself some wide grip pull ups.

4)  Push ups

I know the bench bros will be up in arms, but push ups are legit.  With the countless number of variations, there is no excuse you can’t do push ups anytime, anywhere.  Before writing off this exercise, just remember Navy Seals do an ungodly amount of push ups daily, and the last I checked they can kick the shit out of most guys who live and die by the bench.

3)  Stiff legged Deadlift

Many fellas who somehow find the time to work their arms three times a week will overlook their lower half.  Ass and legs are the most important parts of the body to work.  Nothing works your hip extensors and stabilizes your knees better than the stiff legged deadlift.  Will this exercise make you sore as hell the first several times you do it?  Yup. But if you are doing it right you won’t get hurt.  Actually, you might even fix that fucked up back of yours by strengthening it with deadlifts.

2)  Romanian Deadlift 

Remember this: legs are more important than your precious tricep dips.  Women are definitely smarter than men in that they train their legs more than any other part of the body. This lift is guaranteed to get your juices flowing.  In fact, I remember many a day being in the mood to bone immediately following a set of deadlifts.  Once again, if done correctly they will not hurt you, so do them-NOW!

1)  Squats

Back in the day, I learned how to squat before any other exercise.  Similar to push ups, there are many variations of squats which makes this exercise the king of the hill.  Considering you do this movement every day of your life, there are few reasons you should not be doing this exercise.  Many guys blame that knee injury they sustained while trying to emulate Tony Hawk as the reason they avoid legs altogether.  More than likely its because training legs is hard, and lets face it, life is hard enough.  But if you want to do something worthwhile in the gym, work your legs.  And by that I don’t mean leg extensions.  If you are looking for the best all around exercise, look no further than the squat.

If you are looking for proof, here it is…………

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-Check back for the 5 WORST exercises

 

Worst gym equipment – volume I

Call me bitter, because I didn’t come up with some piece of shit equipment that promises the world but doesn’t do a fucking thing.  We are a long way from the 80’s fitness explosion of useless devices cleverly marketed to fat-asses watching late night TV who excel at eating and buying shit they know they really aren’t going to use.  Sadly, decades later, the only difference is we now have more fat-asses (usually on disability from a disease directly correlated to being fat) who continue to buy these ‘made in China’ tchotchkes.  Was I guilty of signing up for Blll Phillip’s EAS line of supplements back in the day and dropping more money than I made on substances that were supposed to jack me up?  Yes. But I was capable of using at least a small portion of my brain and learned how to exercise without using some miracle gadget that would supposedly get me ‘swole’ in just a few minutes a day.

There are tons of items dating back to your date of birth that you will probably hear about being sold on the local swap shop show, but I’ll start with a relatively new and novel idea that truly sucked.  If you or someone you know owns a Shake Weight, I recommend you give me $20 while I punch you in the face.  Apparently it took off when a news anchor took a liking to the very similar masturbatory movement one of the exercises required.  Several million youtube hits later, and reportedly over $40 million in sales later, this ‘groundbreaking’ workout device is one of the best selling pieces of shit ever sold.  You now wonder why when traveling abroad Americans tend to get dumb looks.

Shaped similarly to a vibrator, I especially like their claim of “scientifically proven to get results in 6 minutes a day!”   Something tells me as soon as people heard 6 minutes a day, they were sold.  With lazy people comprising well over half the population, it’s no wonder they will throw down, with no regard of price, for something that will give them a shortcut in life.  Sorry fine citizens, you may or may not have already learned that there are no shortcuts.  Achieving and maintaining optimal fitness is like running a race with no fucking end.  The sooner you learn this, the less money you will burn over your lifetime on shitty equipment that doesn’t work.  Stay tuned for more terrible fitness gadgets that made someone a shitload of cash, while guiding you even further from your goal weight.

*Perhaps its just me but this looks more like a gay porn advertisement

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JD’s guide to proper gas etiquette in the gym – Part I

Anyone who frequents the gym is exposed to the noxious gas emanating from both male and female’s backsides.  I don’t care how loud your ear buds are pumping out the new Katy Perry track during your sets and reps, you may be able to dodge the initial blast but you can’t escape from the fire.  Over the years I’ve developed some tactful ways to expel the oftentimes pungent odor from your ass.

First, I recommend the ‘act as if’ principle.  This works well when you’re in a row of treadmills or ellipticals where there is barely enough elbow room.  Be sure there is a crowd, or else you are fucked.  When you just can’t hold it anymore, let it rip as the sounds of the machinery is usual enough to drown out the sound.  Next, quickly look around with a disgusted look on your face as if to say, “Which one of you nasty fucks farted?”  Feel free to hold your nose to accentuate your disdain.  Just try not to laugh while giving your oscar-worthy performance or else you might as well just hold your head down in shame.

The ‘go with the flow’ technique is effective, albeit only for SBD-bombs.  This is when you do your best to walk close, but not too close, to a group of at least 3 or more people who are on their way to a particular part of the gym.  Like merging in and out of traffic, just keep a safe distance and take care of business.  Once relieved, veer off rather quickly as if you are in the middle of a timed set.  As long as your path isn’t filled with other gym patrons you can be assured people will notice the scent but have a difficult time pinpointing the culprit.

Another very effective but harsh move is utilized when you just can’t seem to get the motherfucker off whatever piece of equipment you want to use.  After several minutes of patiently waiting when you hear, “I got one more set bro!”, feel free to unload in the general vicinity of the asshole at fault, and move to the next exercise on the list.  I find this beneficial when trying to get on a bench that some idiot just has to do every fucking exercise on and leave their baggage next to it as if they were one of the early settlers staking their claim.

Check back soon for part II of what is one of the most important lessons you can learn about the gym.

 

JD’s top 10 reasons you won’t get into shape this summer

There are a plethora of reasons why you and your cousin Sheila won’t get in shape this summer.  From the church parking lot carnivals and the food truck festivals, here are the top 10 reasons your fat ass will remain fat.

10) You live in the Northeast, thus the summer months are the only nice months 

Since you spent the last six months holed up sleeping with thermal underwear and using an electric blanket, the last thing on your mind is doing anything other than learning what it’s like to be outdoors again.  With your Casper-like appearance, priority numero uno is getting some color on your body.  Re-discovering the sun is more important than counting calories.

9)  You’ve been wearing so many layers over the winter, you haven’t realized how big you really are

The beauty of wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts daily is not only comfort but the slimming effect these duds will give you.  Sure, many huge people wear this type of clothing year round, but you never know how big you really are when you start to peel off all those layers.  Those box of Twinkies you stowed away for the long cold winter put on an extra roll or two, making it highly unlikely you are going to get into shape.

8)  You always take the summer off from dieting

This would not be an issue if you didn’t do a half ass job dieting throughout the year, but since your still light years away from your goal weight, you are surely fucked.  With the weekends filled with festivals where food is the main attraction, there’s a good chance you will be an extra 10 pounds away from your goal weight by the end of the summer.

7)  It’s too hot

Thanks to global warming, its way too fucking hot to think about working out for you ‘biguns’ out there.  The fact that the crack of your ass begins to sweat within minutes of walking outside, just the thought of working out is way too stressful, thus you will remain fat.  Just like many use the excuse that it’s too cold in the winter to do anything after work, those same people say it’s too hot to do anything in the summer.

6)  You are going to wait until after your summer vacation to start working out

This would make perfect sense, but seeing how that Carnival cruise you booked for dirt cheap (while they were trying to make up for the boat that stalled in the middle of the ocean) doesn’t embark until August, looks like another summer with a gut.

5)  It’s wedding season so your weekends are filled with buffets and open bars

Who can resist a good spread at a wedding?  With the cost of going to these fucking things skyrocketing each year, you better believe I’m right there with you when it comes to getting your money’s worth.  Thus, more than a few weekends of the summer of gluttony and drunkenness equals more inches on the waistline.

4)  Summer means grilling and it’s no fun to be a healthy griller

No one likes that guy or girl who requests a veggie burger at a backyard BBQ.  Unless you plan on bringing your own shit to these gatherings, you should prepare to eat much more than the recommended serving size of red meat anytime you go to party outside of your own backyard.  Simple math tells you more red meat equals more calories, which equals more fat on your ass.

3)  You feel like you don’t need to get in shape

Many Americans feel it’s perfectly normal for them to be above average weight for their size.  In fact, what used to be normal weight is now considered too thin.  Add this to the fact they have never been outside of the good ol’ US of A, you have many guys and girls running around with ‘gunts’ thinking they are just fine the way they are.

2)  You hurt yourself over the winter utilizing a personal trainer you found on a Groupon 

I warned you about these fucking people a while ago.  To those who got injured trying to save a buck or two, good luck trying to workout with that stinky ass ski boot on your foot 24/7 while you recover from surgery!

1)  You said you would get in shape last summer 

Hey there’s always next summer, right?

To glove or not to glove, that is the ?

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Did I own a pair of workout gloves at one point in my life?  Of course I did.  And yes I looked like a douche wearing those fingerless gloves as I performed my sets and reps.  Fortunately, this was during my teenage years, so along with sporting a mullet I will chalk this up to just not knowing any better.  What about you fellas wearing a pair right now as you prepare to hoist that weight over your chest on the bench?  You might say there are macho men like Big Papi out there who wear gloves every night but the last I checked baseball was a sport and working out is just that, working out.  Any man who wears gloves to workout should make you question many things.  For starters, why are his hands so precious?  Is he the next big hand model like J.P. Prewitt once was?  Mostly likely not.  Does he use the excuse that his hands hurt if he doesn’t wear them?  This one just screams pussy!  I can think of just one plausible excuse for wearing this workout mitt.  That is if you somehow damaged your cock and balls by masturbating barehanded due to the heavy callus formation on your metacarpals and just need some time to figure it out.  I recommend, from personal experience, just a slight change of hand placement along with a nice pumice stone will work wonders.  But just remember one thing gentlemen, women view men who wear gloves in the gym the same as they do as guy who drive fancy cars: they are trying to compensate for something.  And speaking of ladies, if I may, please do wear gloves when tossing around the iron, because the last thing any guy wants is a sandpaper grip on his hang down.