There are a plethora of reasons why you and your cousin Sheila won’t get in shape this summer. From the church parking lot carnivals and the food truck festivals, here are the top 10 reasons your fat ass will remain fat.
10) You live in the Northeast, thus the summer months are the only nice months
Since you spent the last six months holed up sleeping with thermal underwear and using an electric blanket, the last thing on your mind is doing anything other than learning what it’s like to be outdoors again. With your Casper-like appearance, priority numero uno is getting some color on your body. Re-discovering the sun is more important than counting calories.
9) You’ve been wearing so many layers over the winter, you haven’t realized how big you really are
The beauty of wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts daily is not only comfort but the slimming effect these duds will give you. Sure, many huge people wear this type of clothing year round, but you never know how big you really are when you start to peel off all those layers. Those box of Twinkies you stowed away for the long cold winter put on an extra roll or two, making it highly unlikely you are going to get into shape.
8) You always take the summer off from dieting
This would not be an issue if you didn’t do a half ass job dieting throughout the year, but since your still light years away from your goal weight, you are surely fucked. With the weekends filled with festivals where food is the main attraction, there’s a good chance you will be an extra 10 pounds away from your goal weight by the end of the summer.
7) It’s too hot
Thanks to global warming, its way too fucking hot to think about working out for you ‘biguns’ out there. The fact that the crack of your ass begins to sweat within minutes of walking outside, just the thought of working out is way too stressful, thus you will remain fat. Just like many use the excuse that it’s too cold in the winter to do anything after work, those same people say it’s too hot to do anything in the summer.
6) You are going to wait until after your summer vacation to start working out
This would make perfect sense, but seeing how that Carnival cruise you booked for dirt cheap (while they were trying to make up for the boat that stalled in the middle of the ocean) doesn’t embark until August, looks like another summer with a gut.
5) It’s wedding season so your weekends are filled with buffets and open bars
Who can resist a good spread at a wedding? With the cost of going to these fucking things skyrocketing each year, you better believe I’m right there with you when it comes to getting your money’s worth. Thus, more than a few weekends of the summer of gluttony and drunkenness equals more inches on the waistline.
4) Summer means grilling and it’s no fun to be a healthy griller
No one likes that guy or girl who requests a veggie burger at a backyard BBQ. Unless you plan on bringing your own shit to these gatherings, you should prepare to eat much more than the recommended serving size of red meat anytime you go to party outside of your own backyard. Simple math tells you more red meat equals more calories, which equals more fat on your ass.
3) You feel like you don’t need to get in shape
Many Americans feel it’s perfectly normal for them to be above average weight for their size. In fact, what used to be normal weight is now considered too thin. Add this to the fact they have never been outside of the good ol’ US of A, you have many guys and girls running around with ‘gunts’ thinking they are just fine the way they are.
2) You hurt yourself over the winter utilizing a personal trainer you found on a Groupon
I warned you about these fucking people a while ago. To those who got injured trying to save a buck or two, good luck trying to workout with that stinky ass ski boot on your foot 24/7 while you recover from surgery!
1) You said you would get in shape last summer
Hey there’s always next summer, right?