Anyone who frequents the gym is exposed to the noxious gas emanating from both male and female’s backsides.  I don’t care how loud your ear buds are pumping out the new Katy Perry track during your sets and reps, you may be able to dodge the initial blast but you can’t escape from the fire.  Over the years I’ve developed some tactful ways to expel the oftentimes pungent odor from your ass.

First, I recommend the ‘act as if’ principle.  This works well when you’re in a row of treadmills or ellipticals where there is barely enough elbow room.  Be sure there is a crowd, or else you are fucked.  When you just can’t hold it anymore, let it rip as the sounds of the machinery is usual enough to drown out the sound.  Next, quickly look around with a disgusted look on your face as if to say, “Which one of you nasty fucks farted?”  Feel free to hold your nose to accentuate your disdain.  Just try not to laugh while giving your oscar-worthy performance or else you might as well just hold your head down in shame.

The ‘go with the flow’ technique is effective, albeit only for SBD-bombs.  This is when you do your best to walk close, but not too close, to a group of at least 3 or more people who are on their way to a particular part of the gym.  Like merging in and out of traffic, just keep a safe distance and take care of business.  Once relieved, veer off rather quickly as if you are in the middle of a timed set.  As long as your path isn’t filled with other gym patrons you can be assured people will notice the scent but have a difficult time pinpointing the culprit.

Another very effective but harsh move is utilized when you just can’t seem to get the motherfucker off whatever piece of equipment you want to use.  After several minutes of patiently waiting when you hear, “I got one more set bro!”, feel free to unload in the general vicinity of the asshole at fault, and move to the next exercise on the list.  I find this beneficial when trying to get on a bench that some idiot just has to do every fucking exercise on and leave their baggage next to it as if they were one of the early settlers staking their claim.

Check back soon for part II of what is one of the most important lessons you can learn about the gym.