As the holidays approach, there is an uptick in client/personal trainer relations. These shenanigans have been going on since muscle beach opened in the 1930’s. But unlike today, extra-curricular activity back in the early years was much simpler. Foreplay back in those days were quickly summed up in a thirty second conversation that went something like this, “Hey there-wanna bang?” followed by a “yay” or “nay”. Today, there’s a little more ‘work’ involved, and signaling can get confusing. Here are just some of the many signs that you may soon find yourself inside of or on top of your trainer.
10. Late night texts
Just as the saying goes, nothing good happens after midnight, there is nothing good that comes from an after hours text that asks anything but what time tomorrow’s training session is. Considering one of the guilty texters will be intoxicated, expect some spelling errors but the message will be crystal clear “UR So hot….wy don’t u come ova?”
9. You go out drinking with your trainer
If you are remotely sexually attracted to your trainer, add the elixir of the gods and watch what happens. Unless you are gay and your personal trainer isn’t, count on someone going down after the third drink.
8. You find yourself spending more time being stretched
Although you are paying to exercise, you have no objection to spending more than half of your sessions either on your back or front with your trainer man-handling your limbs. You may even find your legs in a position that are pictured in the Kama Sutra.
7. You are told you are your trainer’s “favorite” client
As long as you realize you are more than likely number 4 or 5 on your trainer’s list of favorites, don’t get too heartbroken when you find out you are one of many. Know that this is one of the sure-fire signs you have been selected to the spend some time in the boom boom room.
6. You give your trainer gifts just because
On top of the usual birthday and Christmas gift, you end up baking cookies, making dinner, buying shit throughout the year AND occasionally slipping in an extra $20 when paying for your sessions. Even if your trainer isn’t looking to score, you may get a sympathy bone for your efforts.
5. You look forward to your training sessions more than seeing your significant other
Just like you find yourself hating your job after some time, you end up noticing you would rather do anything but spend time with your partner. This leads to looking forward to your training sessions so much so that you may end up adding an additional day a week even if you can’t afford it. Finally you find yourself handling your trainer’s D or V.
4. Most of your training session is spent talking about sex
There is a saying “If you build it, they will come.” Same goes for saying “If you talk about sex enough, you will find yourself coming.” Whether you are the one asking or answering questions about sex, inevitably you are going to find out what your trainer is packing downstairs.
3. You find yourself getting dressed up to go to the gym
Don’t think you are pulling a fast one on your trainer. They know when you put that extra spritz of whatever Chanel you have in your glove compartment. We also notice that fresh coat of makeup when you show up at the gym. Once again if we are remotely attracted to you, you may find yourself getting wheel-barreled in the back office.
2. You get insulted when your trainer actually makes you workout
Because you are so used to shooting the shit with your trainer, you expect the session to be more like a cross between a confession and counseling appointment. The last thing on your mind is sets and reps, so when sexy talk gets put on the back burner you get all fired up. By the way, once you take a ride on the bone roller coaster watch how each session gets more awkward as time goes by.
1. Your trainer wants to “show you something” in the back office
This is about as forward as it gets. If there is a place in the gym that is windowless and somewhat sound-proof, plan on getting your body fat tested and shortly afterwards getting topless. Before you know it you might be saying “Hey boner.”