Yes, now for $79, possibly less if there is even a shittier certification out there, you can become a certified personal trainer.  Tired of your bullshit job at Enterprise? Fear not, because after this evening, with a little ambition you can take the two hour long online training session, print out your very professional looking certificate and voila, tomorrow begin your new career. If you knew your trainer got certified this route, I would think you should pay them half as much as they charge.  After all, that’s what Groupon is famous for – getting you more shit for less.  So how can you spot these Groupon trainers?  Just look for the one who has no fucking clue what they are doing.   Better yet, just listen to them talk about something fitness related and even the most uneducated couch potato will realize these trainers don’t know shit.  Over the years I have seen a ton of terrible trainers, but just as the University of Phoenix did for college education, discount social media sites are now doing for Personal Training.  Think about this, the median hourly pay for a doctor is around $89.  Personal trainers average around $34 an hour. That’s not too shabby considering the investment to become one these days may be as low as $79.  Last I checked, most doctors average a couple hundred thousand in student loans, an endless number of years in school. Plus only God knows how many thousands in liability insurance each year for the privilege to “practice” medicine.  Now your cousin Joey who spent a few years behind bars and got his GED after a few tries can train people for better than average pay.  Just remember, if your trainer gets their certification this route there is a good chance you will be spending even more money seeing your doctor.

Now that the hat trick of holidays that revolve around eating is behind us, you are on the horizon of that “fresh start” you’ve been talking about for weeks.  Nothing makes me laugh harder than the overweight guy/gal who talks about how amped up they are about getting in shape this coming year as they shovel another piece of apple pie down their gullet with a christmas cookie chaser.  Right about now, millions of people are spending money they really don’t have on supplements, workout gear, and other bullshit items that will end up in the back of the closet or kitchen cabinets in a month or so.  So why does everyone do the same thing year after year after year?  Start the year off with the best of intentions, quickly realize how much fucking work it really is, and quit well before the half year mark.  I’m not gonna lie to you, it gets harder year after year but then again, what’s the alternative?  Turn into a slob like Jared the Subway guy before he lost all that fuckin’ weight?  No thanks, I’ll stay on the slender side and save room for the year end eating binge that is every November and December.  The way I see it, if you don’t gain a pound all year and ramp up your cardio in mid-august and pay extra attention to your diet, you will be on track to lose a few pounds by the time Halloween rolls around.  Once I’m down that 7-10 pounds, I’ll be able to enjoy as much food as I want during the holidays.  I don’t recommend this to everyone, but if you have just a little willpower, give this technique a shot.  Otherwise, go ahead and make another resolution you are bound to break.

See you next year,

JD

Now that you are thoroughly educated in what you should not get your trusty personal trainer for the holidays, here’s some ideas that would make any trainer happy.

1)  Cash, or dinero if you live in California or Texas

Speaking from experience, there is nothing better than a handshake accompanied by a C-note to make the yuletide just a little sweeter.  Some will say this is the most impersonal gift you can give, but I am here to say fuck that noise.  You can rack your brain for weeks trying to pick out what will inevitably become a shitty gift or ensure success with some cold hard cash.

2)  Several friends who want to sign up for personal training

Just as happy as cash will make us, so will another paying client.  As much shit as I talk, I somehow have been able to build up a large pool of clients just through word of mouth.  If you are concerned that this isn’t a suitable gift, just throw in a crisp $50 bill or perhaps a gift card if that will make you feel better about the whole thing.

3)  Food

This can be tricky.  In other words, if you have not been told by at least a half a dozen people you are not related to that your culinary talent is better than average, then stick with a gift card to Del Frisco’s.  But if you have some skills in the kitchen then carry on.  We Personal Trainers enjoy eating almost as much as we enjoy sex.

4)  A hand-written coupon for something phenomenal

I may have told you last week that hand-written coupons for gifts are bullshit.  However, there is one that will be happily accepted by any male trainer who is not named Bob Harper.  That is the ever-coveted coupon valid for one threesome.  I can’t stress the importance of adding the disclaimer that allows your trainer to approve of the third member.  No matter how grateful your trainer will be for this gift, if you involve your old college roommate who looks like a bulldog, don’t expect your name to move up to the top of his rotation.

5)  A copy of “I like your form” Confessions of a Personal Trainer

Because why wouldn’t you get them this very appropriately titled book?

Happy holidays

JD

I fuckin’ love Christmas.  Back in my heyday of personal training I would rack up more shit than I knew what to do with.  Between all the cash and prizes my clients would give me, I would sometimes forget about the sudden uptick in blowjobs I received throughout the month of December.  I won’t even go into detail about the endless number of Christmas parties I was privileged enough to attend thanks to my clients.  I wouldn’t want to upset those of you who this year were treated to an office luncheon catered by Subway followed by a secret santa exchange with a $10 limit.  Is it even possible to get a decent gift these days for $10?  Anyhow, for those of you still searching for that perfect gift to give your personal trainer, here are some tips on shit we really don’t want.  This would be an appropriate time to say how shallow I am for turning my nose up on anything that is given as a gift.  In which case I would tell you that if you say something like that, then there is a 95% chance you give shitty gifts on the reg.  

1) A subscription to any Health related magazine

This may seem like it’s a great idea but it’s not.  Just because we are personal trainers doesn’t mean me live, eat, and breathe the shit 24/7.  If you were an accountant, how would you enjoy a year’s worth of Accounting Today?  I thought so.  

2) Nutritional supplements

Again, what the fuck?  Any trainer knows how to get the supplements they want at the cheapest possible price.  It’s like giving someone a gas card.  Sure it will save you a few bucks on gas but if it’s something you use all the time do you really want it as a gift?  

3) A picture of you and your trainer together in a frame

I know you think this one would be an obvious no-no but I only say it because it happened to this guy.  Thinking back I vividly remember unwrapping this gift in front of the client who gave it to me and blurting out a confused “Really?”  At least it was a female client.

4) A T-shirt from somewhere you’ve been

Do I look like I give a fuck that you went to visit your Aunt Flo in Montana over Thanksgiving?  Then why the T-shirt from somewhere I have no fucking interest in going myself?  Expect a nice smile when you decide to give this as a gift and then expect it to be used to clean shit from inside the toilet bowl.

5) A hand-written coupon for some type of favor

Again I only speak from experience.  If I really wanted a massage would I go to someone who has no idea how to give one?  Sure, it’s a given that this particular massage will certainly end happily (with no charge), but I’m not 17 anymore.  Throw in the fact that I already had some form of indiscretion with the gift giver, then this coupon really does lose it’s luster.  As much as I love to fuck around, I don’t want to sacrifice gifts for sex.  So step it up even if you are boning your trainer and give them a little something more than the occasional Hot Karl or Purple Mushroom.

Check out next week for the 5 things you DO want to give your Personal Trainer for Christmas

We are officially at the mid-point of the eating season.  With the several pounds of chocolate and sugar you ate last month, you would think you were prepared for today’s feast.  As you lay now on the couch with a half eaten slice of pumpkin pie in hand and one eye barely open, you quickly realize there was no avoiding the food coma you are currently suffering.  No matter how hard you trained for this all day eat-a-thon, you still find yourself with the food sweats and some potent turkey farts that make your Aunt Carol cringe.  Considering the average American consumes between 3000 to 5000 calories on this day, it’s a tall feat for anyone to come out of today feeling spiffy enough to go for a 5 mile run this evening.  This is yet another day that personal trainers lick their chops, as many clients and soon-to-be new year’s clients officially enter the holiday food zone.  From this day on, the excuses seem to escalate ten-fold.  Between work parties, family gatherings, and of course leftovers for a much longer period of time than any other time of the year, working out is the last thing people are thinking about.  So on this day when you are eating much more than you would normally put down over the course of a few days, my advice is to attack whatever comes your way with both hands.  Enjoy the gluttonous spirit of the day, and know this – after a healthy dump you will alway have room for more.  Don’t think about those starving kids in those god forsaken countries where you just ate a months worth of food, and forget about counting calories (unless you are a real asshole).  Just remember that Thanksgiving is just one day, and if you keep this pace up until New Year’s you might have to invest in some of those elastic waist jeans.  But if you already happen to be wearing those elastic waist jeans now, you probably should skip eating the next few days, seriously.  

Just when you thought businesses were cutting back, think again.  You may belong to a gym where there is always that one person roaming the gym floor aimlessly sporting a tee-shirt with the gym logo prominently pressed on the front.  Doesn’t matter what time of day you are there, that person will be doing their usual laps around the gym.  Occasionally they will strike up a conversation, usually with the person who goes to the gym to look for friends, rarely with the die-hard exercise enthusiast.  They will re-rack weights, organize the constantly fucked up dumbbell rack, and basically clean up after the majority of gym members who scatter shit about the gym as if it were their own living room.  Once I heard one of these fitness attendants talking about an exercise with a member.  I almost had to laugh out loud when they finished with “I’m not certified as a personal trainer yet so you shouldn’t listen to my advice”.  This was the most useless tip I’ve ever heard being shared in a gym.  I equate it to taking a flight, asking the flight attendant for a jack and coke, and having them tell you there are plenty of tasty cocktails onboard but you shouldn’t have any of them.  So what do they really do?  Are they glorified janitors?  The answer is unknown.  I do know from experience that some over-zealous fitness attendants take their job way too serious and get off on the ability to throw their unwarranted sense of authority around the gym.  For example, they thrive when they spot a young kid playing on a machine and get to chastise them about safety.  They follow-up this bullshit by asking them the dumbest of all dumb questions which is “Where are your parents?”  Anyone who goes to a gym knows that parents just dump their kids off whenever possible to get some type of reprieve.  Thank you unfit mothers and fathers, your problem now just became the entire worlds.  To get back on track, how does one become a fitness attendant?  Did they actually fail one of the hundreds of online personal training certification exams?  The last I checked, it wasn’t exactly on par with the Bar exam.  If you can spell your name you have a pretty good chance of passing most of the tests to become a personal trainer.  So keep your eye on that fitness attendant, and please let me know what  their role at the gym may be other than wasting space.

To make a long story short, nothing.  Consider progress to be creeping along at a snail’s pace, unless you happen to be in great shape and you hired a personal trainer for the sole purpose of motivation.  When your trainer becomes your BFF, gone are the days when your trainer will make you feel like shit for canceling a session.  Kiss those days goodbye when your trainer is in your face encouraging you to push through that final set no matter how exhausted you are.  Once you enter the “friend-zone”, your tortuous workouts are now replaced with pseudo-therapy sessions.  Count on a whole lotta talking and minimal moving around.  If you listen to Howard Stern, you’ve heard him bitch about his cellulite filled ass and protruding belly on a weekly basis.  After complaining about the shortcomings in his physique, he will then praise his ‘friend/ trainer’.  Something tells me his trainer is pocketing a whole lot more than the average pay for a client like the King of all media, and yet he is now irreplaceable thanks to the ‘friend’ status.  How about Oprah?  If her fucking trainer, Bob, is so great, then why does she still look like she shops at Mumu’s ‘R’ Us?  I can probably count on a couple of fingers the times I’ve seen that woman look like she was even remotely in shape, and for all I know, it was probably some excellent photoshop work.  Here’s the greatest part, these trainers are no longer accountable for results because after all, how shitty of a friend would their client be if he/she fired them?  You can argue that you can have it both ways, but I’m here to tell you that unless you have a roster of celebrity clients, pick and choose your friendships wisely.  Take it from this asshole who took it a step further and ended up dating one or two of my clients.  As soon as I was locked into that relationship, gone were the monthly checks for training sessions.  So if you think you want to become friends with your personal trainer, better to give them the heave-ho and relieve them of their duties beforehand.  Unless of course you don’t give a shit about accountability and results, in which case you should just write me a check each month so I can give you tips on making friends.

Let’s face it, beginning this evening people put their health on hold for the rest of the year.  They will most likely enjoy a few Twixes, a couple Almond Joys, and more Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups than they can count.  This type of snacking will last for up to a couple of weeks if you take into account the candy bowl at work and the leftover candy you somehow just couldn’t give away tonight.  Before you know it, Thanksgiving is right around the corner which is yet another one of America’s favorite holiday to eat like shit for days at a time.  Follow this up with Christmas, which is even worse than Thanksgiving as the eating  seems to go on for weeks, and you have the perfect trifecta of gluttony.  Maybe it’s just me but it seems that since department stores started the Christmas shit in October, people somehow interpreted this as an excuse to begin bulking up for the winter.  Tis also the season many clients will begin cancelling their personal training sessions because they are just too busy.  For all you fair weather clients this time of year, don’t think your trainer doesn’t know your next move.  We know there is a high likelihood you will be back in the gym January 2nd.  We also know that the same 10 to 20 lbs you just put on between Halloween and New Years is going to be a little tougher to lose as the years add up.  So do yourself a favor, lay off the Kit Kats and the Whatchamacallits tonight and at work tomorrow.  Perhaps just gorge yourself on food for only two holidays this year and see if your pant size only goes up a single digit or so.  Good night and good luck, I’m going to treat myself with a Mary Jane.

Who doesn’t enjoy top 10 lists?  This one is not only entertaining but informative.  Consider this a warning of what not to do in the gym in order to avoid being that guy or girl.

10.  You talk on the phone while working out.  If you were just doing some light cardio, this would be perfectly acceptable, but I’m referring to the asshole parked on the bench during peak time chatting away.  I know, of course you consider yourself important, most assholes do.

9.  You give unsolicited exercise advice and have no qualifications whatsoever.  It’s one thing to use unwanted tips as a cover to hit on the hot new girl at the gym. But if you do it because you actually feel you know what the fuck you are talking about, let me assure you that you don’t, my friend.  It only makes you look like a bigger asshole than you already are.

8.  You scatter equipment all over the gym to set up your pseudo-crossfit circuit.  You then get pissed when someone swipes one of the 6 pair of dumbbells you aren’t currently using.  To top it off, you never put your shit back, which qualifies you as an asshole.

7.  You linger at the front desk to talk to the front desk staff.  We get it, you are lonely and have no where else to go.  Just remember, strippers also pretend to like you because it’s part of the job.  Don’t be that asshole, just try online dating if you are that desperate.

6.  You have gas and just can’t help crop-dusting the entire gym floor.  I must admit, I have been diagnosed with severe chronic flatulence and am guilty of this most days of the week.  I will be the first to admit, this makes me quite the asshole at my gym, just ask anyone within 6 feet.

5.  You hang out at the gym and are ‘friends’ with everybody.  In fact, you often spend more time talking than working out.  I go into great detail about the mayor’s of the gym in the pages of “I like your form” Confessions of a Personal Trainer.  Let’s just say you may be friendly and likable, but more than half of the people in the gym think you are an asshole.

4.  You complain when one of your classes gets cancelled or, God forbid, someone subs your class.  Yes ladies, this one is especially for you.  It’s usually the entitled, stay-at-home moms that are notorious for putting up a stink.  It’s not the end of the world if your 5:30 am spinning instructor got a DUI last night, so don’t complain like an asshole.

3.  You pay your monthly dues but go to the gym a couple times a year.  This is self-explanatory, as gyms thrive on people like you.  Even though it’s as low as $20 a month, you would still be considered an asshole to piss this much away without ever using it.  By the way, these are the same assholes who complain about money problems.

2.  You leave over a dozen 45 lb plates on the leg press.  Ladies, this doesn’t apply unless you look like a linebacker.  Gentlemen, if you left that much on the squat rack no one would even think about looking at you because you would be a bonafide bad ass.  But because it is the leg press, however, you are not only a douche but a certified asshole.

1.  You leave your DNA everywhere, in the form of sweat.  This is fucking gross.  I’m not the sweatiest guy, but I have enough sense to wipe up after myself, just like I do after taking a shit.  Unfortunately, many folks at the gym aren’t as courteous.  Nothing like putting your hand on the elliptical machine and getting a moist handful.  Or better yet, laying down on a mat and finding that wet spot right behind your head which is camouflaged by that navy blue color.  No one likes the sweaty guy or girl that doesn’t clean up after themselves, so don’t be an asshole and wipe off.

This is the absolute fucking worst.  It’s similar to the Curb your enthusiasm episode when LD asked a doctor in the country club locker room to check out something on his arm.  The doctor’s response was the right one – ask him to make an appointment.  Personal training is one of those jobs where people ask you shit about working out no matter where you are.  Doesn’t matter what setting, whether it be dinner or a party; even holidays can be difficult.  Your own so-called friends and family are guilty of this unsavory act.  But I would say meeting new people is terrible in the way that Charles Barkley says it.  The second they discover you are a personal trainer they come at you with questions in rapid fire succession about what type of workouts they should be doing and what’s the best supplement on the market.  Why can’t the conversation ever be about whether there will ever be a remake of Flash Gordon or who in the room has breast implants?  How come nurses don’t have to answer nursing questions when they are off the clock?  And when was the last time someone who has some type of desk jockey occupation is asked questions about what it’s like to forward those fucking chain emails to everyone they know all day?  When I was a young buck starting out, I would field these questions with a smile on my face like a rookie quarterback starting his first season in the league.  Now I’m stone-faced, like Bill Belichick, answering all questions with as few words as possible and purposely trying to come across as a huge dickhead.  You should note that most personal trainers do not get paid to work out, despite popular opinion.  This means when you see your trusty trainer getting his or her sets and reps in, that is occurring on their own time.  I cannot speak for every personal trainer, but I can speak for most when I say please try to keep your questions to a minimum when you see them working out on their own.  Unless of course that trainer has no life other than the gym, in which case they don’t mind pausing every 3 to 5 minutes to shoot the shit with you.  On a final note, remember that your personal trainer is a paid friend, not always a real friend.  The sooner you learn this the better off you will be.  Now find yourself a real friend by bothering someone else at the gym.