I fuckin’ love Christmas. Back in my heyday of personal training I would rack up more shit than I knew what to do with. Between all the cash and prizes my clients would give me, I would sometimes forget about the sudden uptick in blowjobs I received throughout the month of December. I won’t even go into detail about the endless number of Christmas parties I was privileged enough to attend thanks to my clients. I wouldn’t want to upset those of you who this year were treated to an office luncheon catered by Subway followed by a secret santa exchange with a $10 limit. Is it even possible to get a decent gift these days for $10? Anyhow, for those of you still searching for that perfect gift to give your personal trainer, here are some tips on shit we really don’t want. This would be an appropriate time to say how shallow I am for turning my nose up on anything that is given as a gift. In which case I would tell you that if you say something like that, then there is a 95% chance you give shitty gifts on the reg.
1) A subscription to any Health related magazine
This may seem like it’s a great idea but it’s not. Just because we are personal trainers doesn’t mean me live, eat, and breathe the shit 24/7. If you were an accountant, how would you enjoy a year’s worth of Accounting Today? I thought so.
2) Nutritional supplements
Again, what the fuck? Any trainer knows how to get the supplements they want at the cheapest possible price. It’s like giving someone a gas card. Sure it will save you a few bucks on gas but if it’s something you use all the time do you really want it as a gift?
3) A picture of you and your trainer together in a frame
I know you think this one would be an obvious no-no but I only say it because it happened to this guy. Thinking back I vividly remember unwrapping this gift in front of the client who gave it to me and blurting out a confused “Really?” At least it was a female client.
4) A T-shirt from somewhere you’ve been
Do I look like I give a fuck that you went to visit your Aunt Flo in Montana over Thanksgiving? Then why the T-shirt from somewhere I have no fucking interest in going myself? Expect a nice smile when you decide to give this as a gift and then expect it to be used to clean shit from inside the toilet bowl.
5) A hand-written coupon for some type of favor
Again I only speak from experience. If I really wanted a massage would I go to someone who has no idea how to give one? Sure, it’s a given that this particular massage will certainly end happily (with no charge), but I’m not 17 anymore. Throw in the fact that I already had some form of indiscretion with the gift giver, then this coupon really does lose it’s luster. As much as I love to fuck around, I don’t want to sacrifice gifts for sex. So step it up even if you are boning your trainer and give them a little something more than the occasional Hot Karl or Purple Mushroom.
Check out next week for the 5 things you DO want to give your Personal Trainer for Christmas