Young Brian Flanagan once said, “All things end badly, or else they wouldn’t end”.  You know how difficult it is to dump your freeloading/good-for-nothing significant other? It’s just as difficult to dump your trusty personal trainer.  I go into great detail of the client-trainer relationship in “I like your form” Confessions of a Personal Trainer.  I would now like to educate the general public when it’s appropriate to cut the cord.

10.  Your trainer does not write anything down during your session.

-I’ve been guilty of this once or twice.  Just put myself on auto-pilot and do the same bullshit routine for every client that walks through the door.  But in this day and age, considering that every penny counts, the least your trainer can do is come up with some type of plan.  Despite what your trainer tells you, they don’t remember half of the shit you did the last time you worked out if you actually take the time to ask them.

9.  Your trainer constantly talks about how he/she is going to become the next big Hollywood movie star.

-Again, when I was a strapping young buck, I felt I should be on the silver screen because after all, why not me?  Well folks, to mention it once or twice is okay, but if the topic of conversation constantly revolves around your trainer’s auditions, it’s about that time. Remember, movie stars hire personal trainers, they never were personal trainers.  

8.  You are in better shape than your trainer.

-Seems like a no-brainer.  It’s kind of like that fat doctor who smokes and tries to tell you that you should live a healthier lifestyle.  My motto is if your fat, I’m not only not going to listen to a word you say, but I also will make a point to politely remind you that you should lose some weight.

7.  Your trainer has red hair.

-I know this will fire up quite a few ginger-kids out there, but hear me out.  For some reason you redheads are angry.  Now I know angry because I consider myself the king of anger, but something about that burnt orange mop on the top of your head puts you on another level.  Not only that, you all must know by now you can never trust a person with red hair.

6.  Your trainer talks on the phone/texts during your session.

-I don’t know about you but I fucking hate people that do this shit.  It’s bad enough your friends and family can’t even have a conversation with you for more than two minutes without checking their precious iPhones.  Now imagine paying for the privilege of someone’s undivided attention and having them give you a nice big shit-burger as a thanks as they chat/text away on your time.

5.  Your trainer talks to other members/co-workers during your session.

-See above.  What the fuck?  Are people that rude or just that stupid these days?  I get pissed when the gay fella that cuts my hair gets distracted for 30 seconds to answer his co-worker, particularly when my precious locks are in his hands.  Again, if you pay me for your attention I would say you will get 99.9% of it. 

4.  You are exactly the same size/shape you were when you first started training 6 months ago.

-This is a double-edged sword in that if you are partial to the buffet, you can’t expect your trainer to work miracles in the few hours you are seeing them each week.  But, if you have any motivation whatsoever and do at least some of the things your trainer instructs you to do, you are bound to get in better shape over the course of 6 months.  Now if you do everything they tell you to do and you still look like a slob, fire their ass!

3.  Your trainer complains to you about how hard their job is.

-I consider this the kiss of death.  Considering what you are shelling out for personal training, to have that person bitch about how difficult it is to count reps and occasionally spot someone is ludicrous.  Any trainer that isn’t ecstatic to be where he/she is should be replaced immediately.  Be aware that any trainer who complains about their job most likely sucks, not only at being a trainer but at life itself.

2.  Your trainer asks you to do something that they themselves cannot do or demonstrate for you.

-The only possible excuse is if your personal trainer is wheelchair bound.  Otherwise, you shouldn’t be expected to be able to perform a proper snatch if your trainer refuses to show you how it’s done.  This goes back to you being in better shape than your trainer.  Remember, it’s important to properly vet a trainer before dumping several hundreds of dollars into training.  

1.  You end up sleeping with your trainer

-This one just gets weird, fast.  On more than one occasion I decided to take my clients workouts into the bedroom and it always came with a price.  It’s difficult to ask a client to renew their sessions after you just gave her an angry pirate the night before.  So from this trainer’s perspective, it just gets awkward to a point where things eventually end.  And for all you clients out there that think you’re special, there is a very good chance you are only one of many on your personal trainer’s special list.   

So take this knowledge and make good decisions, if you notice your trainer demonstrates any of the above.

Lately I’ve noticed more men training young boys in the gym, and I can only hope they are the father of these kids.  I don’t even want to think of the gym being compared to the Catholic church when it comes to the man/boy relationship.  At any rate, it seems more dads are looking for their offspring to become the next Eli Manning or Reggie Bush.  With what athletes get paid these days, part of me understands.  Who hasn’t seen the old video footage of Tiger Woods whacking golf balls as a young tike with dad standing nearby?  Despite Tiger’s minor speed bump a few years back, look how good that fuckin’ guy seems to be doing these days.  Hmm….spend 100k+ to ensure junior winds up with a degree that you pray keeps him out of your house for the rest of your life (Doesn’t always pan out as I happen to know several 30-something year olds still living with mom and dad) or, put in countless hours and maybe half as much dough to groom him to be awesome at something with a potentially huge payoff in the end?  You may argue these dads are just trying to get their kids into shape, but when you see young Joey with 225 on his shoulders struggling at the bottom of a squat and the supposed supportive father yelling/screaming encouragement, I doubt the purpose of these gym outings are all fun and games.  I get it, no one wants their son to grow up to be a total pussy, but is getting them in the gym to lift ungodly amounts of weight the way to go?  And fuck form, these dads have a copy of the Arnold Encyclopedia tucked under their arm as they observe their son doing everything wrong while trying to deadlift.  While these kids should be outside running around, discovering themselves and perhaps their dads old Playboys in the basement, they are under the watchful eye of their coach/father in the gym.  If you are under the age of 14, you want no part of the gym.  When I was that age I was too busy trying to figure out how to get my hands on any type of pornographic material.  Even though I was still years away from seeing a naked female in real time, I saw enough pictures to know that I liked what I saw and literally took matters into my own hands.  Yes moms and dads, if you have a 14 year old son I highly recommend knocking at the door before barreling in because odds are you will witness pants around the ankles and cock in hand.  Speaking of, on the other hand, if any kid at that age says he wants to spend his afternoons in the gym, that’s because he is in fear his dad will bitch slap him if he says otherwise.   Beware you dedicated dads, even though your son may be able to bench press more than his entire 8th grade glass, you are taking the risk of having him resent weights and take up crystal meth after high school just to be able to do something you don’t want him to do.  Someday if I end up with a son, I’ll definitely take him to the gym.  I’ll take him there the day he says “Daddy, can we go look at girls?”  I’ll give him a big smile and pat him on the head and tell him about how his old man used to work at the gym on the car ride there.  Then as we get to the cardio room I’ll teach him how to ride the stationary bike behind a few hot girls on the treadmill.  

You learned last week that Mondays and Tuesdays are shitty days to hit the gym, unless of course you are unemployed and can go whenever the hell you want.  Wednesdays are a little better since those people who always seem start things on Mondays reinforce the theory that quitters always quit.  Now for the rest of the week.

THURSDAY-

With most of the occasional exercisers having thrown in the towel a day ago, you may find some empty pieces of cardio equipment when you get to the gym after work.  You may also notice the wait for one of the two adjustable benches in the gym down to just a minute or two.  Even though this is one of the better days to work out in terms of annoying members, it is not without fault.  On this day you are likely to run into the guy that is working through a circuit which seems to include every fucking piece of equipment in the gym.  He will usually have three pairs of dumbbells laying around a bench, a few plates on the incline bench press, and his disgusting towel marking his spot on the lat pulldown station.  Don’t even THINK about touching one of this guy’s precious dumbbells.  If you find yourself even wandering in the direction of these dumbbells you will be warned with a “Almost done bro, I’m doing drop sets”.  Okay bro-seph, we get it.     

FRIDAY-

There is no question that Friday rules.  It marks the end of your shitty work week and you are looking forward to your 48 hours of freedom before you have to repeat that same awful cycle.  If you happen to work weekends in addition to monday thru friday, I’m truly sorry since I don’t know what you have to look forward to.  Fridays are another safe bet to have some peace and quiet in the gym since most people will be well on their way to getting hammered while you are working out.  The gym staff is on point, as if the coming weekend signifies a holiday.  The useless gym floor attendant that roams the floor and picks up after you (even if you weren’t even finished) usually takes their job not as serious.  The friendly front desk girl doesn’t even fuck with you for misplacing your membership card for the 56th time.  Count on Friday being one of the best days to get a quality workout in, unless of course your week was so bad you opt for getting shit faced at happy hour like 80% of the members.  

SATURDAY/SUNDAY-

These can easily be two separate rants since each has their own ups & downs, but since you aren’t dealing with the usual peak times I’ll just throw them together.  Weekends are a time for relaxation and hopefully less stress for everyone since every other day of the week is enough to break even the toughest of customers.  But why people feel the need to bring their kids to the gym on these supposed days of rest I’ll never know.  I get it – you want to get your kids out of the house so you don’t put them through the wall and get a not-so-friendly call from DCF. But why bring them to the gym?  You already manage to ruin movies, restaurants, and planes by bringing your offspring with you, but the gym of all places?  No kid under the age of 14 gives a shit about working out (Take note over-zealous Dads).  They want to run around and get into shit, because that’s what kids do.  Unfortunately, they do this exact thing in the gym.  As you are lying on a bench on a Saturday afternoon, I challenge you to not drop the weight on your chest when you glance over and see some creepy kid staring at you a few feet away with his finger digging for gold in his nose.  What?  You never secretly laugh your ass off when some kid who escapes the very loose watch of their parent and darts across the gym floor only to bite it on a piece of equipment and cry because of a scraped knee?  I would recommend the middle of the day on the weekends or a few hours before closing if you are looking for some space and less commotion.              

There you have it.  What to expect to see in the gym each day.  So if you aren’t a late owl and belong to a 24 hour gym or are lucky enough to have a gym in your home, there is a good chance you will have to deal with some of this shit.  

MONDAY-

To put it bluntly, Mondays fucking suck.  Not only do they suck for everyone that is not rich, but they are easily the worst day of the week in the gym.  Any given Monday is the worst day to attempt to work out, but be warned that Mondays in January are worse than malls in December.  Every asshole in the world figures they will start fresh on monday, when deep down they know they won’t make it through the week consistently.  If you manage to find the lone parking space a quarter mile away, be prepared to enter something that looks like the great Dave Chappelle’s skit about the five o’clock free crack giveaway.  Whatever number that placard reads about the maximum allowable occupancy, something tells me no one really gives a fuck on Monday anytime after 4pm.  It seems most of my clients hated Mondays as well, seeing how on that day more than any other day of the week I could count on a cancellation or two.  If you are looking to hang out, not work out, then Mondays are your day, since members dust off their gym cards on this day to feel better about themselves and stand around just pissing off the people who actually want to work out.  So if you can make it to the gym before late afternoon on Monday it’s not a bad option, but beware of trying to get a workout in on your way home.  What about those individuals who must bench press every Monday you ask?  I’m still trying to figure that out.             

TUESDAY-

Tuesday is not that much different than Monday, in that the occasional exerciser somehow finds their way to the gym just one day after spending 2 to 3 hours at the gym the night before.  Keep in mind, they probably did a solid 15-20 minutes of exercise to go along with about 2 and a half hours of jabbering.  On this day you may run into that old-timer who likes to give you the whole “One day at a time” rap, as if you were looking for his unsolicited advice.  You may also encounter a gaggle of barrel-chested guys with disproportionate legs gathered around the preacher curl machine.  So the parking lot is still going to be full, every machine or bench is going to be occupied even if it’s not being used, and you my friend, will still be very annoyed.  

WEDNESDAY-

Ah yes, hump day.  Half of your shitty week is over.  You may even get greeted by the overly friendly receptionist who reminds you that yes it is in fact Wednesday and it’s almost Friday.  The vibe in the gym is a little more upbeat, and ironically the gym is a little less crowded.  It seems most of those part-timers have washed out.  Turns out consistency is not their thing. Shocking.  Don’t feel bad for them, as they will more than likely start fresh the following Monday.  Good news for you dedicated folk in that you most likely don’t have to waste 15 minutes looking for a parking spot.  Speaking of hump day, my own empirical evidence reveals most shenanigans in the gym will occur on this day.  And by shenanigans I mean perhaps a blow job in the back office or a quickie in someone’s backseat.  I will go out on a limb and say over 50% of my escapades involving my clients happened on Wednesday.  Why did these women feel that irresistible urge more on this day than any other I will never know, but you will never hear this guy complain.  So go ahead and count on Wednesday to be a pretty solid day to workout, and who knows, you may even get lucky.

THURSDAY-FRIDAY-SATURDAY…….to be continued next week, right here.

Having spent years in the gym for up to 10 hours a day, I’ve heard my fair share of music played as people work out.  Sometimes good, but oftentimes bad, it seems that as the years go by, they come out with more and more forgettable music.  I can’t help but think back to my high school days when I worked out at a place called South Side Gym.  This place looked like Mickey’s old gym in the first Rocky.  The floor was concrete and there were only 45 pound plates in the place.  Can’t bench more than 135 lbs?  Tough shit.   What I liked most about this gym was the music.  It’s stereo system was fitting for a place that had a unisex bathroom.  It consisted of a huge bass tube and one home speaker, all connected to a cassette player.  Joey, the owner of the place had sole control of the tapes that were played throughout the day.  I can honestly say I only remember two bands that were given play in this house of iron, and they were Guns and Roses & Metallica.  Which albums you ask?  Why, the Black album and Appetite for Destruction, of course.  These days you would be hard pressed to find such classics played in the gym.  When I first started personal training it was the middle of the grunge era, but the gym I worked in played nothing but shitty dance music of the 90’s like C & C music factory and the Spice Girls.  Catchy songs to some perhaps, but annoying to most.  Even though this gym was first class and sprung, what at the time had to big big bucks, for a Muzak system, I couldn’t help but notice the same fucking 10 songs being played on the hour.  It was more or less like any FM radio station minus the commercials.  Fast forward several years later to my next place of employment which went all out for what had to be the best thing to happen to the fitness industry since the sports bra, and that is satellite radio.  Don’t care to hear the Backstreet Boys or Celine Dion?  No problem, put on the classic rock station and never hear those high pitched chicks again.  In the mood for something heavy?  Just turn on the metal station and let loose to some Pantera or Hatebreed.  Feeling straight up gangster?  There is plenty of NWA or Ice Cube to go around.  These days you have your iPod to take care of the background noise while you workout.  For all you old schoolers, just think about when you dared to run with your discman attached to your arm.  It has gotten to a point where people just want to listen to the shit that gets them going, and be cut off from the rest of the world.  In my travels I have been in gyms from coast to coast, and for the most part the music being played these days is strictly vanilla.  Expect no surprises, and in fact it’s so boring it’s on the same level as elevator music.  No more loud rock music or, God forbid, tunes with offensive language.  Thank you very much to those politically correct assholes who ruined it for the rest of us and complained enough to make most gyms as exciting as a morgue.  But every now and then, however, you come across a South Side Gym.  It may not be the flashiest gym in town.  It may not have fancy equipment.  But there is a good chance the music will be awesome and actually inspire you to do a little more than a couple curls and a few laps on the treadmill.    

Here are some of the bullshit excuses I’ve heard over the years.  Stay tuned for more top ten lists covering all the craziness you will find in the gym.

10.  “There is no parking at the gym and it just wouldn’t make sense wasting time driving around trying to find a spot”  (I actually get this one, I have driven away more than once after making a lap or two around the parking lot)

9.  “It’s way too crowded in there at this time to workout” (Where and when isn’t it too crowded these days?)

8.  “It’s been a rough week, I’ll get back on track on Monday” (MANY fat people say this)

7.  “It’s been a rough month, I’ll get back on track next month” (EVERY fat person says this)

6.  “I hurt my knee playing football 25 years ago, and it still hurts today when I do ANY kind of exercise” (I should call you a big pussy right now but I won’t)

5.  “I don’t want to cancel my training session, I would like to re-schedule it” (Are you fucking serious?)

4. “I’ll just work out at home tonight” (yeah right)

3. “I don’t need to workout, I just watch what I eat” (I would agree with you on this if you weren’t shaped like a pear)

2.  “I’m just not feeling it today” (Feeling it?  Like you feel it any other day?  Why don’t you just say you are feeling lazy today?  Oh, I forgot-I need to be encouraging)

1.  “My wife/husband is having an affair” (You can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want in this case and I would encourage you 100% as this is the only excuse in my book to skip the gym as long as you like) 

After having several dead-end jobs, I won the lottery by landing a job as a personal trainer.  For a detailed description of why personal training may be the best job you can have, just flip through the pages of “I like your form” Confessions of a Personal Trainer.  In the meantime, here’s a few helpful nuggets that will wet your whistle.  I know, personal training isn’t classified as a “real” job in most people’s eyes, but I beg to differ.  First off, what job actually pays you to work out these days?  Most of the time your job entails sitting on your ass (which does in fact have a widening effect on your bottom over the years) for 8 to 10 hours a day.  Follow this with an extra hour or two sitting on your ass commuting, and you are left with an ass that will surely have some cottage cheese coverage before you turn 40.  As a personal trainer, you are guaranteed to get a work out in at least once, if not multiple times a day.  Between all the walking & demonstrating exercises you don’t really have an excuse to be fat.  While everyone working their “real” jobs are getting fatter year after year, you will seem to get better and more fit with age.  Next, people actually listen to what you have to say – regardless if you have a clue.  I’ll never forget training a medical doctor when I first started, and wondered how he bought into the bullshit I was talking about.  I would throw in cool gym terminology like “periodization,” “microcycles,” and “forced reps,” and not once would he ever question what I was talking about.  How about the freedom to work with whoever you want to work?  Try to get out of meeting with an important account in your “real” job, and you will get reamed by your boss.  No matter how much you can’t stand the douche bag that happens to give your company business, you are stuck having to laugh at the dumb shit coming out of his mouth for the sake of your job.  Don’t get along with a client as a personal trainer?  Guess what? They will be out the door once their training package expires and you will never have to deal with them again.  In fact, there is a high likelihood they will be replaced by a client that you will get along with and be more than happy to stay with you long term.  What other work environment allows talk that literally carries over from the locker room into the workplace?  Why none other than personal training in a gym where the topic of conversation can vary from midgets to sex to anything you and your client feel like discussing.  Try to pull that shit in a corporate setting and you are not only sure to be slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit but you will be looking for a new job sooner than later.  In the end, the only person you have to make happy is your client, which isn’t that difficult if you put forth just a little effort.  There aren’t many jobs out there these days where you only have to make one person happy.  In fact, how many people have you heard losing their jobs 10, 15, or even 20 years with the same company just because of some “restructuring”?  All of these perks can be yours for a small fraction of what it costs these days to get a college degree and get that “real” job.  Trust me, the rewards are endless and if you would like to hear more you should read the book.  I could on all day about this but having experienced the working life of a personal trainer and spending tens of thousands to get a “real” job, I am convinced personal training is the way to go.  Like someone once sang, if i could turn back time, I would have kept my wiener tucked away and would still be a full time personal trainer today.

Like the regular installments of the trainer/client conversations that you will read on this site, nutrition is going to be a regular topic with some helpful tips that, if they don’t offend you, should help you at least make better decisions when it comes to eating.  What better place to start with than one of the worst culprits in terms of making our asses fatter each day?  Of course I’m referring to McDonalds.  That place with the creepy clown mascot and that lovable but obviously overweight purple thing named Grimace.  To this day I’m still shocked I’m not wearing pants with a 44″ waistline considering my father’s advice to me for bulking up was to stop by McDonalds on my way home from school everyday and eat 5 cheeseburgers.  Thanks Dad, now that’s what I call stellar parenting.  Luckily, I was smart enough to cease my father’s plan to gain size when, after day 3, I was having the McShits.  This was a difficult decision as a teenager seeing how they were only 39 cents at the time and at that age anything cheap was awesome, no matter how bad it was for you.  (Come on, do you think anyone enjoyed drinking St. Ides malt liquor on the weekends?)  They now write the calorie information on each item right on the menu, as if people really give a fuck to know that they are eating more in one meal than they should be having in one day.  “I’ll have the Big Mac with large fries, please.” translation “I’ll have the 1000+ calorie meal, please.”   And what is that smell when you come within 20 feet of one these McDonald’s restaurants?  It’s as if they put some type of mind numbing chemical in the exhaust fans around the building that tell you to buy a super sized #1 with a Coke.  I would enjoy my training days when clients used to tell me they would eat McDonalds several times a week and justify it by saying they would always order the diet soda, as if that makes a fucking difference.  Seeing how they were paying top dollar, I didn’t break balls unless of course they brought up the whole “I’ve been working out for months and I’m not losing any weight!” line which always seemed to happen around the time of renewing their sessions.  My move was to tell them I would help them defeat this McDonald’s addiction and help them lose those unwanted pounds!  Of course I knew I was full of shit but half the battle was having the client believe in whatever bullshit you were throwing their way.  Some may argue that there are healthy options at McDonald’s these days. Are you talking about the Asian salad with crispy chicken (370 cals) and ranch dressing (170 cals)? Yeah, that’s what I thought you meant. I say unless you are buying a Shamrock shake, which I’ve confessed in another blog already is truly delicious, you have no business setting foot in there, or in the expanded double lane drive-thru.  So if you are trying to lose weight or stay at the weight you are now for the foreseeable future, stay the fuck away from those cursed golden arches!  By the way, you must know at this point that the Filet-o-fish isn’t really made out of fish, right?