JD’s top 10 reasons you should fire your personal trainer

Young Brian Flanagan once said, “All things end badly, or else they wouldn’t end”.  You know how difficult it is to dump your freeloading/good-for-nothing significant other? It’s just as difficult to dump your trusty personal trainer.  I go into great detail of the client-trainer relationship in “I like your form” Confessions of a Personal Trainer.  I would now like to educate the general public when it’s appropriate to cut the cord.

10.  Your trainer does not write anything down during your session.

-I’ve been guilty of this once or twice.  Just put myself on auto-pilot and do the same bullshit routine for every client that walks through the door.  But in this day and age, considering that every penny counts, the least your trainer can do is come up with some type of plan.  Despite what your trainer tells you, they don’t remember half of the shit you did the last time you worked out if you actually take the time to ask them.

9.  Your trainer constantly talks about how he/she is going to become the next big Hollywood movie star.

-Again, when I was a strapping young buck, I felt I should be on the silver screen because after all, why not me?  Well folks, to mention it once or twice is okay, but if the topic of conversation constantly revolves around your trainer’s auditions, it’s about that time. Remember, movie stars hire personal trainers, they never were personal trainers.  

8.  You are in better shape than your trainer.

-Seems like a no-brainer.  It’s kind of like that fat doctor who smokes and tries to tell you that you should live a healthier lifestyle.  My motto is if your fat, I’m not only not going to listen to a word you say, but I also will make a point to politely remind you that you should lose some weight.

7.  Your trainer has red hair.

-I know this will fire up quite a few ginger-kids out there, but hear me out.  For some reason you redheads are angry.  Now I know angry because I consider myself the king of anger, but something about that burnt orange mop on the top of your head puts you on another level.  Not only that, you all must know by now you can never trust a person with red hair.

6.  Your trainer talks on the phone/texts during your session.

-I don’t know about you but I fucking hate people that do this shit.  It’s bad enough your friends and family can’t even have a conversation with you for more than two minutes without checking their precious iPhones.  Now imagine paying for the privilege of someone’s undivided attention and having them give you a nice big shit-burger as a thanks as they chat/text away on your time.

5.  Your trainer talks to other members/co-workers during your session.

-See above.  What the fuck?  Are people that rude or just that stupid these days?  I get pissed when the gay fella that cuts my hair gets distracted for 30 seconds to answer his co-worker, particularly when my precious locks are in his hands.  Again, if you pay me for your attention I would say you will get 99.9% of it. 

4.  You are exactly the same size/shape you were when you first started training 6 months ago.

-This is a double-edged sword in that if you are partial to the buffet, you can’t expect your trainer to work miracles in the few hours you are seeing them each week.  But, if you have any motivation whatsoever and do at least some of the things your trainer instructs you to do, you are bound to get in better shape over the course of 6 months.  Now if you do everything they tell you to do and you still look like a slob, fire their ass!

3.  Your trainer complains to you about how hard their job is.

-I consider this the kiss of death.  Considering what you are shelling out for personal training, to have that person bitch about how difficult it is to count reps and occasionally spot someone is ludicrous.  Any trainer that isn’t ecstatic to be where he/she is should be replaced immediately.  Be aware that any trainer who complains about their job most likely sucks, not only at being a trainer but at life itself.

2.  Your trainer asks you to do something that they themselves cannot do or demonstrate for you.

-The only possible excuse is if your personal trainer is wheelchair bound.  Otherwise, you shouldn’t be expected to be able to perform a proper snatch if your trainer refuses to show you how it’s done.  This goes back to you being in better shape than your trainer.  Remember, it’s important to properly vet a trainer before dumping several hundreds of dollars into training.  

1.  You end up sleeping with your trainer

-This one just gets weird, fast.  On more than one occasion I decided to take my clients workouts into the bedroom and it always came with a price.  It’s difficult to ask a client to renew their sessions after you just gave her an angry pirate the night before.  So from this trainer’s perspective, it just gets awkward to a point where things eventually end.  And for all you clients out there that think you’re special, there is a very good chance you are only one of many on your personal trainer’s special list.   

So take this knowledge and make good decisions, if you notice your trainer demonstrates any of the above.

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