We have all seen these people. Maybe you were one of them before a surgery or two convinced you to learn about the right way to exercise.  Despite the growing number of employees in the gym milling about, waiting patiently for their next high protein snack, the number of gym patrons demonstrating shitty form seems to be out of control.  How one manages to fuck up exercising on a machine that I thought was idiot-proof with diagrams of the correct movement I’ll never know.  When I see a young buck all of sixteen attempting a deadlift with a rounded back that would make a camel jealous, I chalk it up to inexperience and know that at some point a herniated disc will be his cue to figure that shit out.  Now when I see an educated late 40-something year old swinging around on the pulldown station, desperately trying to pull that bar down to the back of their neck, I get confused.  How could someone who seems to be concerned about their health be so careless when it comes to the ever important spine and joints?  I absolutely understand the overweight, balding guy who has nothing going for him but the amount of weight he is able to lift.  But that hot soccer mom who is pushing 40 but desires that 22 year old ass should know that it’s best to have a little excess to grab on the backside rather than have a serious lumbar spine injury that would prevent some choice sexual positions down the road.  Would I dare tell them that their future holds a visit to an orthopedic doctor?  Fuck no, and neither should you. Like Randall said in the classic film Clerks, “I find it’s best to stay out of other people’s affairs.”

Seeing how the ever-so accurate punxsutawney phil saw his shadow, we are in the midst of another long winter.  For you unlucky ones who live in the northeast, that means your mornings are filled with snow shoveling and scraping ice off your windshield instead of sitting down and enjoying that cup of Joe.  What this furry little creature’s prediction does not mean is the green light to workout with that same hat that kept the snow from falling on your head.  I get it if you are a legit MMA fighter or boxer (not some jerk off who enjoys fighting & whose main source of income is from their highly coveted position at Steak and Shake).  Otherwise, there are very few instances where this type of fashion statement is acceptable.  Every guy wants to look cooler than he really is.  After all, you are talking to a guy that took pride in his bleached blonde tail that was almost long enough to wrap around my neck.  But just like I learned quickly that summer before beginning high school, that tail was going to do anything but get me laid.  When I see guys well into their 20’s or worse yet in their 30’s, trying to set themselves apart from other gym goer’s with their all black wool cap while knocking out a set of squats I wonder.  I wonder what the fuck the reason is behind wearing that hat while working out.  I’m not the only one who is perplexed when it comes to why they are wearing these hats indoors instead of on the slopes, turns out many ladies are.  Some quick polling revealed most chicks who see these guys in hats as tools.  The other response I got was that they must be undergoing cancer treatment in which case touché, there may a be a shot at some sympathy-sex if in fact you are bald/balding and wear one of these hats.

A few years back I started training a gal named Stephanie.  She didn’t start training with the usual slackers who sign up on January 1st, in fact she was one of the first clients I had that cashed in a Valentine’s Day gift.  Now before you think I was the asshole, let me explain.  Stephanie was very self conscious and by no means overweight.  She was your typical overworked accountant who just didn’t find time for the gym anymore.  Now her husband of a couple years, for whatever reason, decided to forgo the standard chocolate and flowers and got her a trainer.  This may not appear to be a dick-ish move but when you let your wife know she is lazy and should be doing more, don’t be surprised by the end result.  Stephanie had the charisma of a battered housewife.  She was shy, soft-spoken, and didn’t really engage in any conversation.  Being the professional that I was, I didn’t dare prod into her personal life.  I just did my due diligence three times a week for the next several weeks.  Then something magical happened.  I don’t know if it was the combination of split squats and walking lunges, or maybe the deadlifts and pull-ups, but Stephanie got her groove back.  One Wednesday night session Stephanie seemed a little happier and upbeat.  She was more talkative and was aggressively flirting.  I didn’t know if it was the aqua di gio I was wearing or perhaps my new snug fit work shirt, but whatever it was Stephanie was into it.  When she asked if I could walk her out to her car after our session to give me something I immediately knew where this was going.  This certainly wasn’t my first time at the rodeo.  But it was my first time with a woman whose husband’s subtle attempt at getting his wife back into shape most certainly failed.  As I got in the passenger side of her Dodge Durango, I thought to myself as she unzipped my pants, “I will never get my girl the gift of personal training for Valentine’s Day.”

Just when you thought the fatty holidays were behind you, think again!  With the Super Bowl taking place this weekend, people are looking forward to consuming excessive amounts of food, regardless of the teams taking the field.  I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m one of those people.  I could give a shit about either team playing but I do give quite a few shits about what foods wet my whistle on the best Sunday of the year.  Here’s a rundown of some of the greatest foods enjoyed on the Super Bowl.

10) Pizza-sure this wheel of cheese and grease is great anytime but for some reason even the shittiest pizza tastes better during the Super Bowl

9) Nachos-I’m not talking about those bullshit nachos that Kip made during Napoleon Dynamite, I’m referring to those individually dressed up chips that are nothing short of fantastic.  You know, the nachos that run you an extra few bucks in the restaurant.  Remember ladies, if your man opts for the cheap nachos and forgoes the deluxe version, you are in for a world of hurt.  

8) Guacamole-This may be an ingredient in quality nachos, but guess what fuckers, it’s fuckin’ great on it’s own!

7) Potato Skins-I would say pizza skins, like the ones I used to mow down when I worked at Pizzeria Uno as a youth, but something tells me they no longer exist.  Any hole in the wall bar should be equipped to fry up a delicious plate of loaded potato skins, complete with sour cream and bacon. 

6) Kobe beef sliders-Do I sound pretentious? Perhaps.  But if you never had Kobe beef Sliders, then you haven’t really lived.  

5) Burritos-If you are tired of my Mexican picks, too fuckin’ bad!  They make very fatty foods and never are concerned about calorie count when designing their tasty fare, which is why they are a big part of this list.  Burritos are one of the few foods that can weigh about 2 pounds but for some reason you can eat the entire thing (And definitely pay later)

4) Kettlecorn-Because you need some sweet to go with all that spicy shit

3) Pigs in a blanket-They may be a little small so feel free to enjoy a few dozen of these tasty treats at one time.  

2) Chili-In addition to all the other spicy foods that are bound to give you indigestion, gas, and a plethora of health issues, Chili is the perfect topper to this Sunday.  Not only will this give you those extra calories you are yearning for, but it is certain to leave a potent mark in anyone’s bathroom you are fortunate to visit that day.  

1) Wings-Before you ask, mild wings DO NOT count.  Spicy is the way to go, extra spicy if possible.  There is no better feeling than having to eat more just to cover for the burning tongue that just won’t seem to go away.  

So eat up America, and remember that Monday is right around the corner so you can yet again “start fresh” next week.