One day a friend said told me he had to go and do Les Mills.  I wondered why this guy never told me he was gay before that afternoon.  Much to my chagrin, he informed me that Les Mills was “like the best workout ever,” and he insisted he was straight.  Anyways with a little research I discovered this guy from down unda was a former Olympian who started a gym.  I was immediately impressed because of how original the idea for an Olympian opening a gym is.  And now that this guy Les Mills is pushing 80-something, it looks like his family is ‘taking the torch’ and capitalizing on his name, so shit has gotten crazy for the New Zealand legend.

There are apparently a dozen or so cardio classes. But wait!  They are like so much more because they include weights or bands or even DANCING!  Actually it’s more like break dance fighting, which by the way looks fucking stupid.  Poor Billy Blanks must be getting ready to roll over in his grave, even though he is still kicking somewhere.  Bodystep, Bodypump, Bodyattack!  The list goes on and on, forever.  Some jerkoff that shelled out the $300 to get “certified” in this bullshit will argue that “every class is like, SO different!”  What the fuck ever….you should have just gotten your personal training certification online.

Here is the scam – every 3 months for $35 you have to go online and buy some quarterly release kit.  This fascinating kit will include new music AND choreography notes.  But wait!  You also have an education section that somehow educates you and gives you a quiz on a cardio class.  Is that even possible? Are these people who can barely afford their rent also on crazy pills??? It’s a cardio class! Let’s all calm the fuck down.  Just when you thought the Crossfit cult had shit on lockdown, look out….Here comes Lester fuckin’ Mills.

Sunglasses…check, 24 karat gold chain…check, killer tank top….check, Michael Jackson/workout gloves….check….Pre-workout ultra metabo-booster with ginseng and CLA/green tea extract…Yep!  Think you are officially ready to conquer the gym?  Think again my friend as you have been suckered into dropping $3.99 for 16 ounces of unfiltered water mixed with purple stuff that supposedly boosts your metabolism (and more than likely makes your urine glow in the dark).  Don’t worry, you aren’t the only chump in the bunch.  Back in my day I was conned into buying a case of some soon-to expire sizzurp that not only tasted like shit, but may be the reason behind this enlarged prostate.  These days there are countless pre/post workout drinks on the market that all claim to do everything from jack you up to melt that cellulite off your ass.

Does this magical powder somehow create miracles in the gym?  What the fuck do you think?  Now that ephedrine is banned in the US, every over-priced drink you throw down isn’t going to enhance your workout…..but it will mostly likely give you some potent gas to go along with a burning sensation in your lower abdomen for a couple of hours.  At least nowadays these wonder drinks taste much better than those of yesteryear when any supplement wasn’t considered legit if it didn’t taste like curdled milk with a chocolate aftertaste.  Just don’t ever bitch about money if you are pissing your pennies away on the promise of getting ripped from a drink.  Stick with that big jug of water and eat some beef after your workout.

So you just had to click on that groupon for a virtual trainer?  I’m probably not the first person to tell you that’s as dumb as thinking that girl you met online is really a girl with a legit vagina.  I understand you are on a budget but what the fuck?  That’s like taking a penis enlargement pill and thinking it really works (unless of course it’s the one that Ron Jeremy is peddling).  If you spend next to nothing on your health, don’t expect a miracle.  There is a pretty good chance your online trainer has duped many others and you are going to get a monthly workout that can be found in the December 2012 edition of Muscle & Fitness.  There is also a very good chance you are going to be rolling into the new year exactly the same weight you are right now because Biff’s advice of taking a protein supplement before your meals didn’t take into the account the array of shitty foods you mow down at your office everyday.

With the holiday season coming sooner than later, working out is an afterthought for just about everyone now that beach season is over.  Every trainer will tell you they get a little lax as the end of the year approaches.  Who the fuck wants to work out when Christmas parties are happening most days of the week?  So this trainer advises you to enjoy yourself a bit.  This should include taking advantage of open bars (if it’s a cash bar you chose the wrong party my friend) and making a few bad decisions, like getting a handy from that hot intern.  Instead of blowing your wad on some worthless online trainer that sucks, save your pennies for a real trainer who knows what the fuck they are doing.  Because, starting in January, I’m open for business…….yet again.