Lately I’ve noticed more men training young boys in the gym, and I can only hope they are the father of these kids.  I don’t even want to think of the gym being compared to the Catholic church when it comes to the man/boy relationship.  At any rate, it seems more dads are looking for their offspring to become the next Eli Manning or Reggie Bush.  With what athletes get paid these days, part of me understands.  Who hasn’t seen the old video footage of Tiger Woods whacking golf balls as a young tike with dad standing nearby?  Despite Tiger’s minor speed bump a few years back, look how good that fuckin’ guy seems to be doing these days.  Hmm….spend 100k+ to ensure junior winds up with a degree that you pray keeps him out of your house for the rest of your life (Doesn’t always pan out as I happen to know several 30-something year olds still living with mom and dad) or, put in countless hours and maybe half as much dough to groom him to be awesome at something with a potentially huge payoff in the end?  You may argue these dads are just trying to get their kids into shape, but when you see young Joey with 225 on his shoulders struggling at the bottom of a squat and the supposed supportive father yelling/screaming encouragement, I doubt the purpose of these gym outings are all fun and games.  I get it, no one wants their son to grow up to be a total pussy, but is getting them in the gym to lift ungodly amounts of weight the way to go?  And fuck form, these dads have a copy of the Arnold Encyclopedia tucked under their arm as they observe their son doing everything wrong while trying to deadlift.  While these kids should be outside running around, discovering themselves and perhaps their dads old Playboys in the basement, they are under the watchful eye of their coach/father in the gym.  If you are under the age of 14, you want no part of the gym.  When I was that age I was too busy trying to figure out how to get my hands on any type of pornographic material.  Even though I was still years away from seeing a naked female in real time, I saw enough pictures to know that I liked what I saw and literally took matters into my own hands.  Yes moms and dads, if you have a 14 year old son I highly recommend knocking at the door before barreling in because odds are you will witness pants around the ankles and cock in hand.  Speaking of, on the other hand, if any kid at that age says he wants to spend his afternoons in the gym, that’s because he is in fear his dad will bitch slap him if he says otherwise.   Beware you dedicated dads, even though your son may be able to bench press more than his entire 8th grade glass, you are taking the risk of having him resent weights and take up crystal meth after high school just to be able to do something you don’t want him to do.  Someday if I end up with a son, I’ll definitely take him to the gym.  I’ll take him there the day he says “Daddy, can we go look at girls?”  I’ll give him a big smile and pat him on the head and tell him about how his old man used to work at the gym on the car ride there.  Then as we get to the cardio room I’ll teach him how to ride the stationary bike behind a few hot girls on the treadmill.  

You learned last week that Mondays and Tuesdays are shitty days to hit the gym, unless of course you are unemployed and can go whenever the hell you want.  Wednesdays are a little better since those people who always seem start things on Mondays reinforce the theory that quitters always quit.  Now for the rest of the week.

THURSDAY-

With most of the occasional exercisers having thrown in the towel a day ago, you may find some empty pieces of cardio equipment when you get to the gym after work.  You may also notice the wait for one of the two adjustable benches in the gym down to just a minute or two.  Even though this is one of the better days to work out in terms of annoying members, it is not without fault.  On this day you are likely to run into the guy that is working through a circuit which seems to include every fucking piece of equipment in the gym.  He will usually have three pairs of dumbbells laying around a bench, a few plates on the incline bench press, and his disgusting towel marking his spot on the lat pulldown station.  Don’t even THINK about touching one of this guy’s precious dumbbells.  If you find yourself even wandering in the direction of these dumbbells you will be warned with a “Almost done bro, I’m doing drop sets”.  Okay bro-seph, we get it.     

FRIDAY-

There is no question that Friday rules.  It marks the end of your shitty work week and you are looking forward to your 48 hours of freedom before you have to repeat that same awful cycle.  If you happen to work weekends in addition to monday thru friday, I’m truly sorry since I don’t know what you have to look forward to.  Fridays are another safe bet to have some peace and quiet in the gym since most people will be well on their way to getting hammered while you are working out.  The gym staff is on point, as if the coming weekend signifies a holiday.  The useless gym floor attendant that roams the floor and picks up after you (even if you weren’t even finished) usually takes their job not as serious.  The friendly front desk girl doesn’t even fuck with you for misplacing your membership card for the 56th time.  Count on Friday being one of the best days to get a quality workout in, unless of course your week was so bad you opt for getting shit faced at happy hour like 80% of the members.  

SATURDAY/SUNDAY-

These can easily be two separate rants since each has their own ups & downs, but since you aren’t dealing with the usual peak times I’ll just throw them together.  Weekends are a time for relaxation and hopefully less stress for everyone since every other day of the week is enough to break even the toughest of customers.  But why people feel the need to bring their kids to the gym on these supposed days of rest I’ll never know.  I get it – you want to get your kids out of the house so you don’t put them through the wall and get a not-so-friendly call from DCF. But why bring them to the gym?  You already manage to ruin movies, restaurants, and planes by bringing your offspring with you, but the gym of all places?  No kid under the age of 14 gives a shit about working out (Take note over-zealous Dads).  They want to run around and get into shit, because that’s what kids do.  Unfortunately, they do this exact thing in the gym.  As you are lying on a bench on a Saturday afternoon, I challenge you to not drop the weight on your chest when you glance over and see some creepy kid staring at you a few feet away with his finger digging for gold in his nose.  What?  You never secretly laugh your ass off when some kid who escapes the very loose watch of their parent and darts across the gym floor only to bite it on a piece of equipment and cry because of a scraped knee?  I would recommend the middle of the day on the weekends or a few hours before closing if you are looking for some space and less commotion.              

There you have it.  What to expect to see in the gym each day.  So if you aren’t a late owl and belong to a 24 hour gym or are lucky enough to have a gym in your home, there is a good chance you will have to deal with some of this shit.  

MONDAY-

To put it bluntly, Mondays fucking suck.  Not only do they suck for everyone that is not rich, but they are easily the worst day of the week in the gym.  Any given Monday is the worst day to attempt to work out, but be warned that Mondays in January are worse than malls in December.  Every asshole in the world figures they will start fresh on monday, when deep down they know they won’t make it through the week consistently.  If you manage to find the lone parking space a quarter mile away, be prepared to enter something that looks like the great Dave Chappelle’s skit about the five o’clock free crack giveaway.  Whatever number that placard reads about the maximum allowable occupancy, something tells me no one really gives a fuck on Monday anytime after 4pm.  It seems most of my clients hated Mondays as well, seeing how on that day more than any other day of the week I could count on a cancellation or two.  If you are looking to hang out, not work out, then Mondays are your day, since members dust off their gym cards on this day to feel better about themselves and stand around just pissing off the people who actually want to work out.  So if you can make it to the gym before late afternoon on Monday it’s not a bad option, but beware of trying to get a workout in on your way home.  What about those individuals who must bench press every Monday you ask?  I’m still trying to figure that out.             

TUESDAY-

Tuesday is not that much different than Monday, in that the occasional exerciser somehow finds their way to the gym just one day after spending 2 to 3 hours at the gym the night before.  Keep in mind, they probably did a solid 15-20 minutes of exercise to go along with about 2 and a half hours of jabbering.  On this day you may run into that old-timer who likes to give you the whole “One day at a time” rap, as if you were looking for his unsolicited advice.  You may also encounter a gaggle of barrel-chested guys with disproportionate legs gathered around the preacher curl machine.  So the parking lot is still going to be full, every machine or bench is going to be occupied even if it’s not being used, and you my friend, will still be very annoyed.  

WEDNESDAY-

Ah yes, hump day.  Half of your shitty week is over.  You may even get greeted by the overly friendly receptionist who reminds you that yes it is in fact Wednesday and it’s almost Friday.  The vibe in the gym is a little more upbeat, and ironically the gym is a little less crowded.  It seems most of those part-timers have washed out.  Turns out consistency is not their thing. Shocking.  Don’t feel bad for them, as they will more than likely start fresh the following Monday.  Good news for you dedicated folk in that you most likely don’t have to waste 15 minutes looking for a parking spot.  Speaking of hump day, my own empirical evidence reveals most shenanigans in the gym will occur on this day.  And by shenanigans I mean perhaps a blow job in the back office or a quickie in someone’s backseat.  I will go out on a limb and say over 50% of my escapades involving my clients happened on Wednesday.  Why did these women feel that irresistible urge more on this day than any other I will never know, but you will never hear this guy complain.  So go ahead and count on Wednesday to be a pretty solid day to workout, and who knows, you may even get lucky.

THURSDAY-FRIDAY-SATURDAY…….to be continued next week, right here.

Having spent years in the gym for up to 10 hours a day, I’ve heard my fair share of music played as people work out.  Sometimes good, but oftentimes bad, it seems that as the years go by, they come out with more and more forgettable music.  I can’t help but think back to my high school days when I worked out at a place called South Side Gym.  This place looked like Mickey’s old gym in the first Rocky.  The floor was concrete and there were only 45 pound plates in the place.  Can’t bench more than 135 lbs?  Tough shit.   What I liked most about this gym was the music.  It’s stereo system was fitting for a place that had a unisex bathroom.  It consisted of a huge bass tube and one home speaker, all connected to a cassette player.  Joey, the owner of the place had sole control of the tapes that were played throughout the day.  I can honestly say I only remember two bands that were given play in this house of iron, and they were Guns and Roses & Metallica.  Which albums you ask?  Why, the Black album and Appetite for Destruction, of course.  These days you would be hard pressed to find such classics played in the gym.  When I first started personal training it was the middle of the grunge era, but the gym I worked in played nothing but shitty dance music of the 90’s like C & C music factory and the Spice Girls.  Catchy songs to some perhaps, but annoying to most.  Even though this gym was first class and sprung, what at the time had to big big bucks, for a Muzak system, I couldn’t help but notice the same fucking 10 songs being played on the hour.  It was more or less like any FM radio station minus the commercials.  Fast forward several years later to my next place of employment which went all out for what had to be the best thing to happen to the fitness industry since the sports bra, and that is satellite radio.  Don’t care to hear the Backstreet Boys or Celine Dion?  No problem, put on the classic rock station and never hear those high pitched chicks again.  In the mood for something heavy?  Just turn on the metal station and let loose to some Pantera or Hatebreed.  Feeling straight up gangster?  There is plenty of NWA or Ice Cube to go around.  These days you have your iPod to take care of the background noise while you workout.  For all you old schoolers, just think about when you dared to run with your discman attached to your arm.  It has gotten to a point where people just want to listen to the shit that gets them going, and be cut off from the rest of the world.  In my travels I have been in gyms from coast to coast, and for the most part the music being played these days is strictly vanilla.  Expect no surprises, and in fact it’s so boring it’s on the same level as elevator music.  No more loud rock music or, God forbid, tunes with offensive language.  Thank you very much to those politically correct assholes who ruined it for the rest of us and complained enough to make most gyms as exciting as a morgue.  But every now and then, however, you come across a South Side Gym.  It may not be the flashiest gym in town.  It may not have fancy equipment.  But there is a good chance the music will be awesome and actually inspire you to do a little more than a couple curls and a few laps on the treadmill.