Without calling you fat, I’m going to give you 5 reasons why you should get a personal trainer

5.  You don’t really know what the fuck you are doing

The greatest apps and youtube videos in the world can’t help you with something called form.  You can use every mirror in the gym but you really don’t know what you are looking for, DO YOU?  Form is integral while working out, unless you enjoy aches & pains with every day activities. So part with some of that money you are saving to send that kid to college who will no doubt call you fat one day if you don’t shape up!

4.  You make more than 75K a year (If you use the kid excuse here, there is a good chance you already are fat)

After some lengthy calculations, here’s what I’ve come up with.  At 75 G’s a year, with close to 30 percent being taken out for taxes, healthcare, retirement, you are left with just under $2000 every other week.  Now if you choose to live in a ridiculously priced condo and drive a brand new Mercedes, you may find yourself strapped at the end of the month because you really are an asshole! What kind of APR do you think hospitals offer to finance a shiny new bypass on your heart? Figure out your priorities and get yourself in shape!

3.  You like talking to people, but many people in your life don’t really like listening to you

Call it the two-fer.  By hiring a personal trainer you also get yourself a pseudo-psychiatrist (albeit one that may lead you on a very terrible path).  You will not only be able to get in shape, but you will be able to unload all that baggage your ex-boyfriend Lou gave you by leaving you with a frequent itch down below and a PS3 system you don’t even know how to use.

2.  You are lazy

Most people just want someone else to do shit for them.  There is a good chance you don’t mow your own lawn, because you are lazy.  You also may think you can’t learn how to workout on your own because you are lazy.  Having a personal trainer will take the guess work out of working out.  Pay just a little over a buck an hour and someone will spoon-feed your lazy ass the exercise you need.

1.  You cannot see your private parts when you look down

I may have said I’m not going to call you fat, but I am going to say you are clearly doing something wrong in life if you cannot see your no-no parts without looking in a mirror.  The longer you go with that gut/gunt, the more likely you are to be miserable…and FAT!

Why the world of exercise has to be as divided as political parties I will never know. It reminds me of young Daniel Larusso getting harassed by the Cobra Kai when they beat him up while he was wearing that red member’s only jacket. Everyone talks shit about whatever exercise theory they do not subscribe to. You hear it all, “Machines are for pussies!” or “Doing that will fuck you up!” Who hasn’t said negative shit about the new gym that opened down the street with some trendy new fad that could possibly shut your precious temple of exercise down for good? Some people, however, exhibit Branch Davidian behavior when it comes to defending their sacred form of exercise. Here’s the top 5-

Spinning-

Spinning is great. It is a great form of exercise and challenges you more than most group exercise classes out there. But for fuck sake, you are pedaling indoors so why the full Tour de France get up? Complete with the disgraced Lance Armstrong postal team jersey, the only thing that’s missing is the helmet (which I’m sure someone out there has sported at least once). Remember spinners, cross training is more than riding your bike indoors.

Yoga-

Who doesn’t enjoy stretching? It’s always overlooked, so what better excuse than to have a whole hour dedicated to it? Unfortunately, I can do without the chanting and humming during my asana. Some of the attire seen in these classes is what you would expect to see at the traveling circus. I’ve seen onesies with a furry wrap around the body and some thick random colored socks, but I just show up with shorts and a Metallica shirt on, not quite caring if I throw off the peaceful vibe.

Zumba-

I never tried this, and I never will. If anyone wanted to see my moves they are more than welcome to join me after some time with the hotbox and a little purple haze. These people who just have to ‘dance!’ annoy most people in the fitness world. Their giddiness alone pisses the average person off, and really annoys anyone who works in the fitness industry. Of course these people think this is the only type of exercise they need, because most of the people that do it have quit everything else they’ve tried in life. Boom! There it is.

Bootcamp-

For starters, its nothing like real bootcamp. For these fuckers to think they can hang with anyone who is in the military is a shame. It’s pretty much a collection of random exercises done without rest or attention whatsoever to form. If you need some asshole in a tight shirt to yell at you for motivation, you more than likely suck at many things in life. Try to skip dessert every now and then and lift a weight or two before you subject yourself to this type of treatment.

Crossfit-

Before I even finish this post, my twitter feed will be blown up with every crossfit douche that swears it is different than circuit training. Without even going into the ridiculous rate of injury of this activity that people pay top dollar for, there is no doubt this clan takes the cake in terms of cult-like behavior. From the WOW’s to the catchy names of each routine, they somehow have an entire generation roped in. Unfortunately, these same people should buy stock in any medical device company as their shit is going to be more than fucked up well before retirement.