With summer right around the corner, it’s about time we look into that large tank of water where you can perform the king of all cardio exercises but choose not to because well, it’s just too much of a pain in the ass. If you are fortunate enough to belong to a gym with a pool where there is a “no kid” policy, then you are in luck as your odds of swimming in doo-doo and pee are significantly less. Unfortunately, if you pay $29.99 a month like most of America, then you have the honor of swimming in a pool that every kid within a 5 mile radius has dumped several gallons of urine, shit, and whatever other gross bodily fluid you can think of. Growing up in the northeast, I was privileged enough to have an above ground pool which I personally peed in every single time I got in and most likely dropped my fair share of dingleberries as I did not have wiping down to an art form before age 11. I won’t even go into my neighborhood friends who more than likely did the same and worse, considering it wasn’t their pool. Before you call me gross, you know you’ve done it so I’m not alone on this one. Well, maybe not the dingleberry part if you were a good wiper. None the less, according to a recent study by the CDC, more than half of the public pools tested came back positive for trace amounts of fecal matter. I happened to read this just a day after overhearing a gym pool horror story. While in the locker room getting changed, I noticed a disgruntled fella who just wanted to do a few laps but was forced to call it a day because the pool was closed. He was talking to someone who asked about the pool and said it was closed because some kid apparently shit and threw up in the pool. Awesome, I couldn’t help but gag when I heard this. But when I saw the other angry swimmers mope back into the locker room I couldn’t help but gag even more. All I could think about was how close they were to that floating baby ruth and what probably looked like a mini oil slick but was yellow instead and filled with half digested animal crackers. After my workout an hour or so later, I gagged once more for good measure. As I passed the pool and noticed people swimming away, I assumed they were not advised of the sewage that was in that pool just an hour ago. You may argue that the chlorine kills everything, including your skin, but I will take a pass my friend and press my luck in that larger cesspool otherwise known as the ocean. Have a happy memorial day and if you find yourself in a pool, you know what not to do.