Another year down, another resolution you are about to make and break in record setting time. Every year a huge number of people talk about “getting healthy” but quickly realize that shit takes effort so 9 out of 10 who make the vow end up at square one less than six weeks into the new year. Here are some of the worst resolutions you can make
5. I will eat healthy
Making an umbrella resolution like eating healthy will backfire on just about everyone. If you are used to the drive-thru and drink soda on the reg, chances are you aren’t going to give that up for quinoa salad and lemongrass tea. Kind of like old school protein shakes. They tasted great the first sip or two, but you end up choking the rest down. Its much easier to stick with a super-sized #3.
4. I am going to be a better person
If you are in your twenties, chances are you are the person you are going to be for the rest of your life. In other words, if you are a dickhead at 25, you are more than likely going to be a dickhead for life. I tried this bullshit resolution a few years back gave but quickly gave up a day later when I held the door open for some chode and he didn’t say thank you.
3. I will exercise everyday
First off, no one exercises everyday unless they are getting paid for it or have serious mental issues. If you have avoided exercise for years and think you are going to drag your ass to the gym every single day, you have a better shot of eating dry oatmeal for breakfast everyday in 2017.
2. I am joining a gym
This isn’t a bad idea, but let’s be honest, you are going to piss away anywhere from $9.99 a month up to $99 because you are going to get sick of trying to find parking after a few weeks. If you really wanted to shape up, you wouldn’t have lived like a sloth for the better part of 2016.
1. I am going to sleep with my personal trainer
Speaking from experience, this is a great thing….but the mystique ends faster than any of the above resolutions. Unlike the other resolutions which take time and effort, this one is as simple as ordering a copy of “I like your form” Confessions of a Personal Trainer on Amazon. Some young feisty trainers are going to be upset with me but I am warning you with Peace and Love.